Star No Star (xstarxnoxstarx) wrote, @ 2003-01-11 21:07:00

Spill your heart on the floor, try not to slip
I want to cut. Why the hell do I want to cut? Why has it been running through my head all day? Perhaps it's because I have been doing a history project on the holocaust all day, or because I messed up call time and missed the swim meet. Maybe cuz my parents and I are fighting. Whatever it is it has been eating at me. Maybe cuz I know we are not "best friends" because everything is a fucking lie. But they are all opening up, I know their life stories and fuck all I do is lie... or hide from the truth. I have lead a sickeningly sheltered life. no sex no drugs no nothing... well there is cutting, but that doesnt fit into the equation. I dont fit the fucking equation. I shouldnt fucking exist...
That's what's bothering me. I dont belong, Im not wanted and I wont be missed _{but nothing bad has happened}
I wont be missed ash has her clique and jen has hers, sara and suz will forget and move on. My family will be happy they dont have to pay college tutition. and perhaps feel bad for a week.
I know half of this is just in my head. I hope to GOD that half of this is in my head, because fuck if life really is this worthless, and I am nothing I dont want to be a part of it.
Im losing the will to be 'good' I want to stop eating again, I feel like I am going to throw up I want to bled. I want to hurt so badly physically that I cant think. I want to be so gone.......
I dont want to feel this way. I dont know if all of me feels this way... just right now hurting seems like the thing to do, so I will keep myself here away from anything... surrounded by people who dont care. I will hold in the tears and lie through my fucking teeth. You wont know I fucking hurt until I am dead... I want to persevere just to prove to myself that I can make it but I want out so badly. things have to change I dont want to be like this forever _{i have no reason to feel this badly} I dont want there to be another day where I have to lie. I want to live I want those stories to tell... For all the years I have lived on this earth I dont think I have ever truly live and that scares me... because what if I never live? what if I die before living? or whats worse it that this shit could be living. and it this is living then it really isnt fucking worth it.
Now all I feel is dead..... a waste of space... I dont feel human... I... I want to cut

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