| Current mood: |  pessimistic |
| Current music: | nothing...i wanna hear snow patrol tho... |
well...
since this is my journal i think i'm gonna sit here awhile and ramble about shit thats still bugging me even after its been done and over with for at least 2 months now. the one thing in particular im gonna ramble about is fucking field hockey aka the love of my life. here goes nothing...
i was so damn excited for hockey this year. its my junior year i was gonna be an upperclassmen and bla bla bla be one of the highest of the team and bla bla bla... hockey at some point not that long ago was the only thing i was living for..literally so when things started crumbling i had no fucking klue what i was gonna do. i told myself in advance that if hockey was starting to look like another sophomore year of basketball i was gonna save myself alot of time and energy and cut things short. but i didnt actually think i was gonna hafta do that afterall field hockey is one of the only things im good at. then the unexpected happened...i miss most of preseason..coach decides she never wants to fuckin play me..and i was giving everything i have and more into something where i guess i wasnt deserving of anything in return. so then i start having the thoughts i thought i would have never thought "should i quit hockey?!" i mean how the hell do you walk away from something you love? something you've worked so hard for for over 5 fucking years? how do u just walk away from that? so after one closecall or as other people wanted to call "threat" of quitting i decided to finally go thru it. i took the cowards way out completely and i'll admit it to the world. quitting sure as hell was so hard. i fuckin hate that people look at it as if i were the asshole and taking the easy way out. quiting wasn't easy and i knew it wasnt gonna be easy i was prepared for it but it didnt make it any easier. unfortunately i saw the horrible side of hockey that i wish i was never exposed to: the girls side. the playing favorites (including coach.) i tried to tell myself that wasnt possible but i realized i was still having coach hold preseason against me even after a month into season. im sorry but u just hafta get over it, u gotta let go of shit and i realized that i guess women have a hard time doing that. when u have a coach who just never liked u, ur not gonna play, no matter how good u r and i learned that the hard way. but im still just so angry. why did i work so hard? why couldnt i get a fucking break for once? why is this world plotted out for me to fail? its so un-fucking-fair :(
this is why i can never take risks or make efforts with anything coz i never stand a chance.....
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