|Current mood:|| lonely|
I just want him back.
Lastnight was a shitty night. I talked to john earlier in the evening and everything *seemed* to be ok. I couldnt sleep so of course I was online aroun 5 am. Around that time i see john sign on, so i message him, i knew he was working on his friends computer, so it didn't suprise me at all when he told me he was busy and just making sure that everything was installed properly, or whatever.. but, then just out of pure curiosity i went to his chat room, there he was.. talking to people other than me. I messaged him, I was upset, but i didnt mean to let on to him that I was. Playfully I messages him with "you're a liar :-P", and then he got all offensive. 'turning the caps lock on and all kinds of other bullshit.. telling me that i was being obnoxious and shit like that. Finally, I broke down into tears. I just wanted to know what the hell I did wrong. Why he didn't want to talk to me. He signed off. Leaving me there just to cry and wonder why the hell he was treating me as though I did something horrible. I havent heard from him since. It hurts me. I feel like I did something wrong, but he says I didnt. I can' t think of anything that I did that would make him want to avoid me like he has been doing, but I had to have done something because I am the only person that he is avoiding. I mean, he's been spending time with all of his other friends, and ignoring me. I really dont think that makes any sense, especially since he claims i didnt do anything wrong. If I didnt do anything wrong why the hell am i being treated so badly? Especially now, when he knows that I'm already upset about how everyone else has been treating me. My mother and the entire world has somehow in unison decided that I am the worlds worst teenager and that i should be punished, even my boyfriend.
Hopefully, I am overreacting. Hopefully, John is right and I am just being an obnoxious brat. Maybe I do want too much from him. But, I do think as his girlfriend we should atleast talk a few times a week, if not everyday. I'm so hurt right now. I cant stop crying. Lastnight I tried calling him to see what i did wrong, but again he ignored my calls. I'm so afraid that i'm messing things up because i'm concerned about why he is being so hateful to me. But, it's stupid for me to feel this way, because I know that i did nothing wrong. I feel I am being treated wrongly and there is nothing I can do about it because he wont give me the time of day to even figure out what the fuck is going on.
I want to call him so bad. But, i can't. Because I've already acted pathetic beyond belief; leaving him offline messages and stupid voice mails. I just want him to act like he loves me and cares. Just two night ago he told me, in one of our five minute conversations, that i wasnt completely unwanted, that he wants and loves me. I believe it. I know it's true. But, why all of a sudden does he act as though he doesnt?
All week I've been looking forward to spending my weekend with him, and now i'm afraid that he's not going to. I'm afraid because i'm upset he's not going to want to see me. I'm so afraid that he isn't going to call me. I dont know what to do. I feel so lonely and pathetic.. i feel as if i have no one. I know i have friends, but with him being the most important person in my lilfe, and completely ignoring me, i might as well be alone.
All of these feelings that I'm having are hurtful and pissing me off. I just want to talk to my boyfriend, i just want to hear him tell me that everything is ok. I just want him back. I'm sick of this. I just want my boyfriend back. I just want him back. I'm at the point of not caring why he's mad at me anymore. I just want him back.