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Remy (xremyx) wrote,
@ 2012-03-29 00:10:00
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    So, I failed my first project.
    Another developer was taken off a project,
    and I was put on it... then I couldn't make shit happen,
    so they put him back on.....
    And now, I'm on a new project, on yet another platform.

    You know what I hate?
    I hate feeling like I'm starting from zero every time I do something new.

    I was hired entirely on having a good attitude.
    And they're constantly amazed that I don't run away.
    Is this why they're being so lenient on me?

    I guess it's a nice thing.
    I'm doing work nobody else wants to do.
    I'm the resource they have to do stuff others can't do...

    Basically: everyone has a specialty.
    And their niche is more important than getting them on a new project.
    My specialty is not having a specialty...

    So, they dump all of this on me.
    I don't know how to feel...

    I feel crappy because I never know what the fuck I'm doing.
    By the time I FINALLY feel like I know what I'm doing...
    ... I'm like 3 days away from finishing any given project.
    Then onto another project.
    Another blank plate.

    I had one project where I was given free reign to make a utility.
    They said "Go for it, in C# winforms."
    That was fucking great.

    You know why it was great?
    Because I owned the project, it was MY project.

    So, the stress of working on a foreign project.
    Gettng unmanaged, buggy code, to run on NEW,
    managed projects... what a fucking pain in the ass.
    I'm to the point where I'd rather just rewrite an old project,
    then write a new project, and know they'll work well together.

    And my first failed project.
    Seriously, my first failure at work...
    "This crashes on Windows 7 64-bit"

    It's a project written in a development environment from 1998.
    It was written in 1999... I have to make a project made for Windows 98
    run on Windows 7. Not just regular windows 7, but 64-bit windows 7.
    32-bit operating systems were 3 years old when this was written.
    Why doesn't it work on an operating system 13 years after it was written?

    I do know the reason.
    But in that development environment, I have NO WAY TO FIX IT.
    It's like taking a car, giving it crazy alien technology from the future,
    and be like "Hey, integrate this. Make it happen."

    And then ugh.

    I think.... I think it's time for me to start exploring outside my work.
    I need to start writing projects outside of work...
    I may even have to start taking projects outside of work.

    I should probably rewrite the Gemini Arcade Super System multi-emulator.
    I'm certainly more experienced now than I was a year ago.

    I think I'll stick it out for a while.
    One of the things I want is less stress and more money.
    Gaming may be where I should go...

    I don't think I'm ready for government work or security contractors.
    And in the situation I'm in: I'm Natalie and I's supporter.
    So, I can't make a move until she has a steady job.

    This is gonna worry the shit out of her.
    But sweety, I face so much stress at work.
    I have so much anxiety.

    I just something that isn't shit like this on me.
    I could be Engineer II or Engineer III at a gaming company.
    And I'd be getting paid nearly double what I make now.

    I don't know.
    I really, really don't know.

    Oh well, the blunt of it is this:
    1.) My work causes me a lot of anxiety.
    2.) My work pays me quite a bit of money.
    3.) I won't be fired any time soon... they need me to keep taking shit.

    All of this is really just me bitching about having to work.
    I think in my heart of hearts, I'd still rather be stuck where I am,
    even if I'm a little unhappy, rather than being unemployed.

    We'll see...
    The ONLY person with a problem in any of this is me.
    I'm making that company money, and I'm filling their needs.
    In continuing to work this, I'll be able to give Natalie the things
    she wants the most... especially after she's able to get a medical field job.

    Maybe.... maybe I just need more fulfilling hobby.
    More than anything, I need to stick it out....
    ... Things will get better, so long as I don't quit.

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