I don't let it catch on, but I feel like I'm walking a collapsing bridge.
Sometimes I can stop to see a flower growing in the cracks of the asphalt.
Maybe one day I cross that bridge.
Catch my breath, and take my time to enjoy the flowers by the side of the road.
All I know is that I can't stop.
If I stop: it's the end.
And I know I'm near the end.
I'd have been crushed if I did things wrong.
But I know I've done things right, and that I'll continue to do them right.
You know, when I post on my journal.
I don't ever expect anyone to tell me that it's gonna be fine.
It's just words lost in the wind.
That's the difference between me and other people.
Other people post on Facebook about their bad times,
then they get some obligatory "Oh, it'll be fine."
Well, fuck you people.
If the only way it'll be fine is if everyone else reminds you,
then what the fuck are you without other people propping you up?
Sometimes I contemplate the fact that I help to keep some things running.
Gemini, the American Bemani project, my family... my own life, and part of Natalie's.
When things kinda fall down I harden.
I get serious, I stop fucking talking.
I fix small errors fast, and I triage when necessary.
So, yeah, it pisses me off that I can't just GIVE UP.
I can't just cry about shit and have my feelings and have
someone pat me on the back and say "There, there, it's gonna be okay."
So, yeah, it pisses me off that I know several women who do this.
Notice I said women, not men.
You know why not men?
Because every guy who I know that does this,
has people who essentially tell him to "man up."
No one does this for women: why?
Why do we treat so many women like this?
Perpetually trawling them through the little-girl treatment?
I'm not sure if I abhor this THING,
or the girls that have zero problems with it.
But it seems like a default.
It's part of the reason I don't want to have a girl...
How am I going to explain to her,
"Look, I know you'll get more money if you wear less clothes."
"Look, I know he's older and it seems like he's got his shit together,
but trust me, just stay at home, go to college for 4 or 5 years,
and then make less than he's making at his Dad's business."
"Look, please, please don't just whine about it until he fixes it.
Don't withhold sex to get him to do stuff...
Don't just wait for him to get it together..."
How do I teach this to my daughter?
The easy way is ALWAYS going to be
"Just fuck the guy, and nag him until he gets it right."
I can say otherwise until I'm blue in the face,
but the entire world is going to try to convince her I'm wrong.
I hate this shit.
And I hate seeing this shit happen every day.
Kacey: "I'm frustrated with life."
Five Billion Guys Who Want To Fuck Kacey: "OH REI REI,
IT'S GOING TO BE FINE. YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND WE LOVE YOU!"
"IF YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO CALL ME OKAY?!"
Why in the fuck should that help?
If Kacey were a guy: "That sucks, dude."
Not just Kacey, but a ton of my chick friends.
I don't want to complain about my problems,
and it doesn't make me feel better for other people
to try to use it as a vehicle to make brownie points for me.
I want to solve my problems.
I want to get them out of my way.
If other people can help, I'm grateful.
But telling me my problem will be fine because I AM AWESOME
is absolutely not a valid solution to my problem.
If my BEING AWESOME fucking solved shit,
I'd never have to worry about solving problems.
I would simply BE AWESOME and that would be enough.
I fucking hate people.
I hate guys who do this shit,
I hate girls who play into it.
You wanna know why I'm a feminist?
Because women shouldn't get away with this dumb bullshit.
Because someone NEEDS to tell women to fucking cut this out.
And someone needs to educate men that it's NOT OKAY to do this....
That it's a weak (and totally ineffective) coercion method...
Where men substitute a listening ear, or a helping hand,
for brownie points that maybe will lead to her jumping his dick.
Let's be honest, it's not gonna happen.
If she wanted your dick, you wouldn't need to do this.
It's not okay.
It's not fine to let women take advantage of men like this.
And it's not okay to let women feel pressured to give audience
to men's advances when they do favors for them....
Where are MY favors?
Who does shit for me?
Oh wait, I do.
I do shit for me.
I take care of my problems.
Almost all of my problems are solved by ME.
People don't even KNOW I have problems.
For fuck's sake, I complain so little,
that people think I FEEL LESS because I don't whine.
People think I lack emotional complexity because
I spend less time crying about my problems than they do.
Or maybe that I'm lucky, or advantaged.
Fuck you guys, your terrible decisions put you where you are.
I've sacrificed a ton to be where I am.
And I'll keep busting my ass to get where I wanna be.
Everyone else says they'll do that.
But given the opportunity to be GREAT,
most people just want to be GOOD ENOUGH.
Fine, I deal with that.
Maybe my GOOD ENOUGH is a standard that's higher than yours.
My life goals go beyond partying the next weekend.
And you know what?
Instead of me always trying to stoop down to you,
to try to understand you, you should understand yourself, FOR YOURSELF.
I don't ever say "Well, I'm better than you."
I'm hoping you people say it for yourselves, eventually.
I like a lot of people: I just don't feel like they truly respect me.
Where I give them the time of day, try to understand...
I don't get it back, because they're too dumb to see it.
Fine. But you don't get to judge me.
I'll leave them behind.
I'll just let them be...
For me? I'm doing what I need to do.
And you know what? Fuck everyone else.
I mean, really, what am I going to do for you?
How about this: when the ride's over for me, I get off the bus.
I'm almost there. As many drinks and short skirts as I really give a shit about.
When I'm done, you get nothing out of me.
And you probably won't even miss it.
Except for when you need me.
And I'm fine with that.
I am now.
This is where I'm going.
Happy 6th Anniversary, Natalie.
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