|Current mood:|| sad|
|Current music:||fix you- Cold Play|
*sigh* letting go
Holy shit. Its been a while. Figured I'd write in here. Seen as how no one reads this thing anymore. I need to get some stuff off my chest. I've decided to make some changes to me. None of this new years bs. Real changes. I've changed over the last year. But I want to change more. For me. If that doesnt sound too gay. I've become consumed with the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, I'm self-centered. I will fully admit that. But I've become so dependant on the opinions of others to make me happy. I can't do it anymore. I'm not sure how to do it, but I'm going to. I've forgotten about a lot of important people in my life trying to satisfy others. The thing is, no one seems satisfied. Not even me. I've tried for too long to make something that unfortunately will not work work. I keep wishing that you will feel the same way I do. But you don't. And I've given up. I gave up a while ago. I'm only now starting to see that. I'm sitting in this chair crying. And I dont want to. I can't do it anymore. I want someone to hold me. I'm tired. And I'm crying. And I feel sick. Could it be worse? Probably, but it doesnt feel like it could be any worse. Unless someone was dying or dead. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I wish I was dead. That would make things more bearable. But I could never do that. Haha. That's just stupid. But. I can feel the pulse in my brain. I wish I could forget. Or fast forward. I have so many great people around me. I'd miss them. I wish you felt like I do. I wish you felt worse. I wish your tears were burning your face like mine. I wish you knew how lucky you were to have me. I wish you knew how many guys currently have crushes on me. I wish you knew how many times I've been asked out. And then I wish you'd see how much I really wanted you. I wish you appreaciated all those things more than anything. I think someone someday will. I think I'll fall in love with whoever that person is. I think we'll fight. But I think one day I'll be happy. I'm swearing off guys for now. That's all I can say. And when I'm ready to join the dating world again watch out! Haha. Brain is pulsing. Haha. Back is sore. Oh well. I'm looking forward to the day that I'm really happy with someone else. To the feelings I used to have. To jumping at a text or phone call. I'm looking forward to the feelings that seem to have disappeared. Haha. Well, enough of this junk.
x's and o's.
all my love.