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Matt Lovato (xmattxlovatox) wrote,
@ 2003-06-09 23:59:00
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    Current mood: thoughtful
    Current music:Jere breathing

    Matt wrote a long entry.. what happened to the world.
    So, my day was pretty interesting.. or should I say yesterday? *Looks over at the clock* No, today.

    Hopefully Jere'll talk to Nick soon, I'd hate it if they didn't sort all of this out. Of course, if Tone and Nick were saying shit like that to me I'd probably start yelling too.. I mean, Jere's talked to Nick about not saying that he's a slut and shit when in fact, he's not, but it hasn't helped. They'll work it out though, they're Jere and Nick for God's sake *laughs some*

    I was hanging out with Jere and his stripping came up. I'm not going to go into detail, I'm sure that you don't want to hear about it so I'll just say... nothing.

    He did bring up marrige though, we both realize that it's soon. We've only been dating for a week, maybe a little less, but if the situation were to arise.. if he were to ask me, or vice versa, I would marry him. I don't really care what you people think, you can say whatever the Hell you'd like, I couldn't give a shit. This is what I think, what I feel, what I know.

    ("Sap")People say they find there true love the moment they walk into your life. The moment you lay eyes on that person, it's like you're set. Like you've never been so sure of something so pure in your life before. You close your eyes and that's all you see is their face. Many people don't believe in love at first sight but you don't believe it because you've never felt it. You never forget that smile that graces their face as they introduce themselves to you, that flicker of light in their eyes, that shimmer of hope that just maybe they felt the same connection as you just felt. I never believed it.. maybe I should have, saved myself a lot of trouble.

    Some people search their whole lives for someone to be with, someone to spend the rest of their life with, someone to call their own. Sometimes you think you've found that one person and then it turns out it wasn't them, something happens and it hurts, when you think that you've gained it back.. something's gone. But it only makes you stronger as a person and opens up your eyes to someone who will love you for everything you are and want to be. I know I've hurt people in the process to my happiness but I never did it just to make you feel bad. I hate hurting people, I hate seeing people cry and knowing I'm the reason as to why such a beautiful person is probably crying inside and out. I hate the reality of this world more then anything. I just never wanted to lie to myself to make other people happy.. I want to be fully happy.

    I could never truly define the word love, I've felt love on so many different levels. Loving someone and being in love is two totally different things, in my opinion. I love many people, but being in love with someone is something special, something that you've never felt before. It's really hard to explain because each to its own feelings, but I'm in love with Jeremiah. Full, head over heels, never felt this way type of love and it's shocked me that I only realized what I felt. I always knew that there was something about him, maybe the glimmer in his eyes when we met, I don't know. There's so many things about him, so many wonderful things.

    Love hits you like a ton of bricks. You have to be cosmically bitch slapped, hurt, yelled at, confronted, and confused before you can see what's always been right in front of your face. You may think that you know one thing but then the next second you're sitting on the beach, wondering what you did wrong, and then thinking one of the people you care about most could've tried to kill herself.

    I'm sitting here, a week later and I can't believe that I'm feeling like this. I know that I said that I'd marry Jere if the oppertunity presented itself, I still will, but a part of me wants to take things slow with him because I don't want to ever lose him. We may have told each other we loved each other, but I want things to last with him, I want to develop a relationship that lasts. I do want to see what this leads to in the future, but things are also perfect in the present. He makes me happy.. this type of happy where you don't care what's going on around you but you just smile, through the good and the bad.

    I just hope I can make him as happy as he makes me, I hope he knows how much I love him. I thought no one could never love me like this, never seen me more than just the drunk who fucks up everything. You get so use to that, so used to being in the mold that you blind off everything and try to be somebody that you're not. You get so used to that and when someone tells you that they have feelings for you.. you're thrown for a loop.

    You get torn because you don't know what to do, wether to stay the thing that people shaped you into or to go down the other road. I thought about it, maybe too long, maybe not enough. But I finally saw outside my box, finally saw that I "had a thing" for Jere, it took me years to realize it.. it only makes sense right? But I didn't see it right away, I hid behind a mask.

    But look where I am now.(/"sap")

    Matt

    *Sets down the laptop, crawls back into bed, and wraps arms around Jere*



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