oh things are weird im now in a weird mood watching breakfast at tiffanys and just surfing the web if you will i looked through all the old pages i have bookmarked on here lots of journals most abandoned one caught my attention and now ive just gotten to thinking about things i dont understand these journals or the allure that they have yet i continue to write in this one periodically ive had several this is the only one thats lasted first and last how fitting why why why i dont actually want people to read what i write i purposly write lengthy paragraphs with no structure in an attempt to make my entries seem unappealing and troublesome to read oh what in the world i think ive become for the most part completely emotionally shut off and i want to say jeremy is largely to blame for that but i dont really think its fair to place that blame on him how can someone be such a huge part of your life and then so simply slip away how did i let that happen it wasnt like i mean to just reading your journal makes me realize i dont even know you at all anymore maybe you like it better that way you seem satisfied in the life youve chosen well i hope so anyway i just hope things work out for you most of the time i think your in way too much of a hurry to grow up im the complete opposite weve always been opposites you and i clashing personalities its a wonder we got along so well when we were younger even when i do see you its akward like we broke up or something strange the way things are so i never actually stated my grades i failed hunger failed it ugh it makes me hate myself just thinking about it why am i such a fuck up sometimes why cant i just do simple things like homework and study like its really not that hard to do id just rather run around and be with friends other than that none of my grades were impressive bs and cs no as of course thats not my style hah how horrible to be wasting all my mothers money i mean really what am i going to do with my life who knows im not entirely concerned with that at this point i just want to get through this next semester well actually lets get through this break first then worry about the semester i have my portfolio review comming up stress stress stress and thats all that is i have to have mom help me get my portfolio together shes good at that sort of thing oh why do i even waste my time on you when its more than likely doomed from the beginning but for whatever reason i just keep going with it actually pusing for it almost oh uhhh the anguish you cause me sometimes being here without you just makes things ten times worse too meh i guess im only human
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