i dont want to pretend i am happy since i am not, as you might have guess from my writing style. my aunt is quite similar to a step mother and my dad and i still fight. we had another fight last night, in fact.
dan rang about 10 min ago. he had that moody tone so i figured id let him go to sleep. i get this scared knot in my stomach when he talks to me like that. im still scared. i find myself easiy doubting my relationship when i am already depressed before an argument and/or a "change of mood". i had read before that relationships suffer more when a partner has emotional problems. all i hope is that i get better when i leave the house because right now im a mental/emotional wreck. i keep hearing i am strong but truth is for the past 6 years ive been living thinking about dying. would i have died if i was weak then? i dont know.
i dont know what it is, but when i cry excessivly, i faint. i dont completely pass out, but my energy is completely drained so i cannot hold my own weight.
if the eyes are the window to the soul why cant people see the torment that i carry inside myself? si en mis ojos se ve mi espiritu, porque entonces la gente no ve el tormento que llevo dentro se mi? sera que no les interesa. entro en una temporada emocional en que no siento nada y siento todo. me siento muerta en cuerpo, sin ganas ni energia para hacer nada, sin embargo es cuando mas quiero moverme y irme pero no puedo. nadie entiende ni siente mis penas. cuando estoy mal, me aferro mas a daniel, y cuando no me trata con carino me quiero morir.
i am angry when people are happy because i cannot be happy.
i feel distanced from dan. i avent had a decent conversation with him for days. not long i suppose. but my relationshio is based on oral communication solely. i often wonder what goes through his mind. right now i wish with all my heart and soul that i could go back to the nights i laid and forogt the world existed with him. right now the headaches, the sick feeling in my stomach and the tears i hold back remind me the world is there. i pray that i do not destroy the only thing i have left. the only thing i live for.
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