I can't live in a world where kisses mean nothing (xdarkerxlovex) wrote, @ 2004-10-15 22:55:00

well. i am now 18. im legal to guys over the age of 23. and i can buy cigarettes and chain-smoke like a mother fucker.

but for some reason i still feel shitty. tonight, i had the first real breakdown in a long time.

i was at my boyfriends (will's) just chillen. with rob. and then fucking eddie and tom come over. but fucking almost every time that im at wills, eddie, tom, josh, aishlinn, and everyone come over. and i wasnt in the best mood today. so when they came in, i was all "yeah ok im fine". then they wanted will to go with them for a ride. so i told him, "go with ur friends and ill go home". but no. he doesnt and im stuck not feeling comfortable around them. then i got snippy with him. and whatever. then we started to watch the movie, and eddie and tom came back. idk. i guess its just the fact that i really wanted to be with will. not eddie tom and rob. just will. but whatever. i know that that doesnt happen. so now, here i am, sick with a 100.3 fever, feeling shitty, with will and his fucking boyfriends. im tired of it.

i love him. to death. but i cant be around him and his friends all the time. he changes into a totally different person. and i dont like the person he changes into. its like, hes my boyfriend one minute, and the next hes a fucking asshole. so i go home, i speed off, and im in fucking tears. he asks me whats wrong, and i really dont want to tell him. so i get int he house, and im sobbing by now. and my moms bugging me about whats wrong. and im not telling her, so i go in my room, and i start crying again. my dad comes in, and i told him everything. which isnt normal. oh well

im off to bed now. im so sick to my stomach from crying. i have alot of shit to clean tomorrow, then i have to go to wills nad apologize to him. i feel bad about being a bitch to him tonight. he didnt deserve it. but this is the first time ive broken down in a while, and thats just the half of it. thats just what triggered it. idk why im feeling like shit. oh well.

ill update tomorrow i guess.

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