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Bailey (xcyanidedeathx) wrote,
@ 2003-11-07 18:13:00
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    Current mood:Suicidal
    Current music:Good Charlotte- The Day That I Die

    What are these things rolling down my cheeks?
    It so foreign to cry. The sobs that wrack my body scare me. This emotion I can't put a feeling on. It scares me so much. I hate my life. As soon as things began to go right, things fall apart. Why for once can't the Gods leave me alone? What have I done so wrong?

    I feel like my body is being torn apart from the inside as I try to hold these tears at bay. For 20 minues previously sobs have made my body shake, blinding me. Sweat mixes with the salt of my tears, and all I smell is sweat, vomit, and blood.

    Escape... I need to escape... pills... sleep... I want to sleep forever... can't sleep without the pills though. No dreams. Can't have dreams. No. Dreams are bad. Darkness, it's all I want. Eternal darkness...

    It hurts. It hurts so bad. I want a razor so bad. The skin of my arm tingles, begging for the bite of the blade... God save me... save me from myself. Someone... please. I'm so alone... I'm so tired... I don't want to be alone... Please don't let me be alone... I don't want to die alone...

    I want another human's touch, but it burns. It hurts, so bad. I looked in the mirror for the first time today in a few days. I'm so pale... There are dark circles under my eyes. The light burns. Darkness. Please. I want to lose myself. Get lost in the darkness.

    I wear so many layers of clothing now. The sunlight hurts. Like skin on mine... It burns. I wear a hooded sweatshirt constantly and sit in the dark of my room. When the sunlight shines into my room I retreat to the darkness of my closet. At night I'm awake, I'm ready to live, but during the day, I want to sleep. The darkness calls to me. They won't let me wear my hood in school. As long as I can help it, the sunlight doesn't touch any part of my skin. It burns. I want human touch so bad, a hug, a high-five, any sort of contact, but I always pull away. It hurts. My skin... I want it off... I want my razor. It calls to me...

    No. No I don't want to go back there. Please, please, I don't want to go. Don't let them take me... I can't go back to the psychiatric ward... no... Please, God, please...

    New salt trails are on my cheeks. The tears won't stop. I touch my cheeks and look at my fingers. When was the last time I cried? Why does it feel like I'm being ripped apart from the inside. I can't breathe. Let go...

    Night... Darkness...

    I'll be expelled if they find my secret... no, must make sure I don't let anyone see... Precious... My precious pills... No, no one will take you away... Darkness... Please... Take me away... I'm alone...

    I'm scared. I'll die alone.

    Servo mihi de meipraebeo, commodo, deus, commodo...

    Ego faveo ne opto morior solus...

    No one knows I speak Latin... another secret... Secrets... secrets are good... like darkness... like sleep... Eternal sleep... commodo...

    Ego opto moriir... --- I want to die...



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