| Current mood: | stupid |
| Current music: | `* I'm A Dumbass//Britney Spears |
:-|
I thought I was past this party girl phase. I thought I'd grown up, I thought I was better than that. Well that is apparently not so, because according to the doctor that Billy called for me after he had to drive me home, I took 5 Xanax bars, drank beyond belief, stood up on a table, danced, and then proceeded to fall off the table whilst passing out. Apparently some dude picked my cell phone up, hit redial and it was Billy. Told him what happened and he came and carried me out to the car and ugh.
I know a lot of people are going to be pissed off at me, or disappointed in me. I wouldn’t be surprised. I really seriously thought I was past this phase. But I guess some things will never change. It’s not like I went out last night with the intention to make an ass out of myself. I don’t sit here, “Awww yeah I’m gonna get trashed tonight, nearly break my neck, possibly overdose, and have one of my best friends come stick it out for me. :-D”. No. What Billy did for me was beyond saintly, and he didn’t have to do it. I deserved to be left passed out on the damn floor after the idiotic shit I did.
All I wanted to do was go out and have fun. Just fun, that’s all, but even fun for me turns into a nightmare. This is one thing I can’t blame on anyone, because let’s face it kids, I tend to do that a lot, and it's fucked up. Not anymore. There’s nobody to blame but myself, I did it. I’m 21 fucking years old, I should be able to take care of myself. I don’t want to feel like people are obligated to look after me, or check up on me. Sometimes I wonder if my brain matured along with my body. Seems like the brain has a little catching up to do.
I guess worse things could’ve happened to me last night, I’m lucky I passed out when I did. I guess this angel I got tattooed is watching over me after all, heh. I should’ve known something like this would happen though. That I would crack. I haven’t partied in a long time. I have an addictive personality. I overdo things, all the time. One social drink always leads to another drink, and then before I can stop myself I’m popping fucking bars or doing something even more stupid. I could’ve died, actually. Pills + alcohol = dangerous. Gee took a rocket scientist to figure that one out. But even I knew that, and I still did it, which once again clocks me in as the moron.
I have so much going for me and I almost go and ruin everything. What the Hell was I thinking? I just can’t get over it. It amazes me how thickheaded I can be sometimes. I’m always doing things without thinking them through. I really am stubborn, and I always let my pride get the best of me, so for me to admit some of this stuff, I’d say is pretty rare.
I guess one word could sum things up. Lucky. That’s all I am after that..
Needless to say, I think I’ll be staying in tonight.
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