| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420 |
It's Friday, You Bastards
Yesterday's cover of The Rock Island Argus is, at least in my opinion, their best cover ever. I wish I could show it to you but one of the genius editors down there apparently decided that no one would ever want to see it online. The best I can do is give you the picture they used, which is here, the fourth one down on the right: http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=604472&query=president%20obama. But it's just not the same. In the the first place, it's a lot smaller and in the second place, it is missing the headline: We've Come Too Far To Turn Back Now.
It's no wonder President Obama hardly ever comes here. If I were him, I would never come here at all. I would also install a stripper pole in the Oval Office and I wouldn't even have to do that if Bill Clinton hadn't chickened out at the last minute and canceled the work order.
Can you tell how fed up I am with politics and politicians? And newspapers? The Argus tried to appease me a little by putting the story about Governor Pat "Blago Was Better" Quinn being booed at the state fair at the bottom of yesterday's front page under Barack and Michelle's story and picture but all that appeasement was undone by me not being able to find the story at their web site, so here it is from WLS in Chicago: http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/politics&id=8775037.
The least those idiots could do is make Shane Brown (http://qconline.com/archives/qco/display.php?id=603986&query=shane%20brown) write a daily column but you know they won't do that either. Damn liberal drive-by media! Except for Ed Schultz, the rest of the hosts on MSNBC and my personal favorite, Rachel Maddow but Ed is in the spotlight today because of his interview last night with Jerry Casale (http://ed.msnbc.com/ You have to scroll down a little but it is there).
Jerry feels the same way about politics and politicians as I do. He was careful, though, as I try to be, to go over the Coke/Pepsi argument and emphasize how important it is that Barack get reelected. The last thing we need in the White House is a Supply Side Trickle Down Voodoo Economics Outsourcing Tax Cheating Animal Abusing War Mongering Racist Sexist Mandatory Vagina Probing Bully.
The first thing we need is a stripper pole. And a shower stage. Then we could suspend a swinging go-go cage over the bowling lane. I know Hugh Hefner's contractor, we can get a huge discount when we turn the swimming pool into a grotto! And have you ever been to any state dinner that couldn't have been massively improved by serving the sushi on naked girls? I haven't. So why doesn't anyone ever listen to any of my ideas?
Well, maybe in the next lifetime...No, wait, scratch that. Screw all y'all if you won't listen to me now. You'll just have to wait til I'm good and ready to give you more good ideas and that might be two, three or even four lifetimes from now. And that's conditional on reincarnation. If it turns out that it isn't real, the entire process could be considerably delayed.
What should you do in the meantime? Against my better judgement because you don't deserve any of my wisdom, I'm going to tell you exactly what to do. Drink. Heavily and often. And you might as well start with this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, invented for tonight's party:
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A Southern Screw
Ingredients:
2 oz Vodka
2 oz Southern Comfort
6 oz Orange juice (Sunny D)
Ice
Mixing instructions:
Pour over ice, stir and serve.
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For the record, that's not the drink I ordered her to make tonight. I wanted body shots. Served on the winners of last week's Women's 100 Meter Wardrobe Malfunction Dash. But do I ever get what I want? No. She completely disregarded my commands and created A Southern Screw and dedicated it to the old people in Florida that are always getting visited by Republicans that Rachel (http://www.rachelmaddow.com/) talked about last night.
At least these things have two ounces of vodka and two ounces of Southern Comfort in them so maybe, if everyone has enough of them, maybe the world will straighten out and start listening to me. At least enough to finally make the South Lawn clothing optional.
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