|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||Christopher Jordan, WSAR Fall River, MA. April, 1974|
It's Friday, You Bastards
Just when you think you've seen it all, they start accusing Adolph Hitler of being a sexual predator (http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/17/10436413-new-evidence-boosts-claim-that-hitler-had-a-secret-french-love-child). Not that a single affair with a sixteen year old constitutes predatory sexual behavior---Except in the United States but if you ask some people, such as good traditional family values Republicans like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jeff Terronez (Who is officially a Democrat but come on, just look at his record) they'll tell you that it's not even here because they realize that he alone who owns the youth gains the future---nor was it by far the biggest sexually predatory crime they could have leveled at him but, still, talk about kicking a guy when he's down.
Sure, his political goals and the methods he used to achieve them have been not only adopted but enthusiastically embraced by every government in the world and I guess that's something to hold onto but from a PR standpoint, everything for him post 1945 can only be described as nightmarish and abysmal.
And isn't that what really matters? Who cares if all your ideas win in the end but everyone sees you as some sort of monster? I don't mean to get too Zen on you but if the Gestapo survives and continues to gleefully send innocent victims to death camps in Cuba while spying on and terrorizing everyone else while everything else you ever did lives on in the name of stopping you and people like you, it really isn't winning, is it?
One of Adolph's fondest dreams...It was even bigger to him than racial purity...was a worldwide smoking ban but when it happened did anyone even suggest that it be called The Hitler Act or that Swastikas should be proudly flown in and outside of every establishment that is compelled to enforce it?
Ja, I know that the Fuhrer himself once said, "All propaganda has to be popular and has to accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those whom it seeks to reach," but would it kill us to recognize him, just once, for at least a little of what he accomplished?
I say, as a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice...No, wait. That was Adolph again. I know because I was there that night, mostly outside smoking but the point is: See? Not even I can say anything that he didn't already say.
So, in the name of truth, justice and Christians everywhere, I declare these lies, stupidity and cowardice to be total Scheiß erzählen! And to compensate, I am declaring this night Eine Party Geben Der Fuhrer! That's right, tonight's party is completely dedicated to the man who made all this possible: Adolph Hitler.
Of course, that's unofficial. Because, like all great, immortal and universally loved leaders, I have own stupid internal and completely unreasonable political apparatus to deal with...Approximately 54.49% of the 489 girls on my staff are from Europe or small islands that were liberated by the Japanese during World War II and, more than that, Suzette, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss and Chef De Cuisine who is really a scullery maid but somehow thinks she runs everything around here, was born in Paris---More than four full decades after World War II ended, I might add, so what could she possibly know about it?---a city that seems to be able to hold a grudge forever and she has raised some objections and threatened to use some veto power that I don't want her to use if there is any mention of any party being dedicated to any Nazi...It is mien Kampf and my pleasure.
Well, pleasure might be too strong a word. Why does the nearest concentration camp have to be in Cuba? Never mind. You've had a long hard week and it would be unfair to ask you to work tonight. So just relax and have a good time tonight. Tomorrow morning is soon enough for you to get those lazy good for nothing bureaucrats at FEMA to open the camp just down the street.
In the meantime, eat, drink and be merry. Don't worry about what will happen tomorrow if you disappointment me yet again. You look pale. And jittery. Maybe you should switch to Sanka. Or just have one these, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier dreamed up for tonight:
1/4 oz Vodka
1/4 oz Gin
1/4 oz Rum
1/4 oz Tequila
1/4 oz Triple sec
1/4 oz Blue Curacao
1 splash Sour mix
Bacardi 151 proof rum
Mix vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec and curacao. Add sour mix. Add Curacao until it's dark purple. Fill glass with ice cubes and float Bacardi 151 rum on top. Have the flame blown out before drinking add a straw.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must go discuss some business with Ilsa...She was born in Berlin and displays a remarkably clear mind when it comes to politics. She is no match for the Resistance...Which as distasteful as it is, is probably better in the long run because my accountants tell me I couldn't afford to pay her what she'd be worth if she was...my Comandante De Stalag Amour and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Enhanced Interrogations. If I can pry her away from Dick Cheney.
Now go the way that Providence dictates with the assurance of a sleepwalker. All you have to remember is success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Or Ilsa will. Whichever.