|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||Christopher Jordan, WSAR Fall River, MA. April, 1974|
It's Friday, You Bastards
Up your nose with a rubber hose! Or, as I've heard a few times today, Up your nose with an embalmer's hose---which is kind of unfunny and insensitive, if you think about it---unless this rumor came from Kim, in which case, Bob is still very much alive, just like Cher (http://todayentertainment.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/27/10251135-kim-kardashian-tweets-cher-death-hoax) and then it's funny again.
That's what I'm banking on and I'm kind of getting hooked on this whole hoax thing because no bad news is ever real. So, Bob, congratulations for not dying! Now that's out of the way, let's take a look at the luckiest student in the world today...And SURPRISE, it wasn't one of the junior high boys who talked his teacher into sleeping with him this time...It's a girl this time and she isn't even in junior high.
And it has nothing to do with sex (http://digitallife.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/27/10251568-student-receives-free-cocaine-with-amazon-textbook-order). It looks like Barack is finally getting really serious about his whole "Get kids to stay in school and do whatever it takes to make them graduate," campaign.
And if it fails, you can't blame him for not trying. What could spur a homework fad faster than putting coke in kid's books? But it's not even stopping there. My Inside The Beltway sources at the Department Of Education tell me that college students can soon expect their cocaine loaded textbooks to be delivered by strippers dressed as firemen or policemen or firegirls or policegirls.
The strippers are going to be distributed under a politically correct gender neutral Don't Ask, Don't Tell sort of system---Unless you firmly want your stripper to be a specific gender, in which case you better ask and tell or the homework session will not go well. Or maybe you'll be so high it won't bother you. Maybe. But I am going to officially recommend that you ask and tell.
Better safe than sorry. And, speaking of sorry, it's still 2012 and this is the fourth party of the year, so we might as well get that out of the way, too. The Party Planning Committee won't listen to me when I tell them that Robert Hegyes is still alive because Kim might have said that he's dead, so the theme tonight is Sweathogs.
Even though I also have a note here from my mother that clearly says he's alive. You know, I understand the whole mistrust thing because everything here is a scam and the root of most of our problems is gullibility but why do so few people realize that every single thing I say is the absolute gospel truth?
It's enough to drive you to drink. Even this, the Theme Drink that Fifi, my Sommelier, concocted for tonight:
1.5 oz Drambuie
1.5 oz Grand Marnier
Pour equal amounts into Brandy Snifter and light.
Customer places hand over top of glass to form airtight seal that extinguishes flame. Straw is slid in between fingers keeping seal as tight as possible. Drink beverage through straw. Remove straw after drink is finished. Put glass to nose and remove hand to allow burnt fumes to be inhaled through nose. Definitely a one-a-nighter.
It kinda ties in with the cocaine theme, doesn't it? Sort of. I guess it's for people who aren't in college and can't get coke just by opening a book. It might not be exactly the same but there are straws and inhaling, so how different could be? I suppose I should leave that up to you coke-heads out there.
No one wants my opinion anyway. And that's fine. If you don't want the benefit of my inexperience, no one's forcing you to take it. It doesn't bother me a bit. Just don't come crying to me when you inhale before you extinguish the flames and suddenly realize that it's a bad thing because you never bothered to do your fire-breathing homework.
Some people just have to learn the hard way. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sit in front of the Welcome To Brooklyn, Fourth Largest City In America sign...Don't ask me how it got here because no one remembers...and wait for the Rosalie "Hotsie" Totsie look-alike contest to begin.