| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | Coast To Coast AM---Thursday November 5, 2009 |
It's Friday, You Bastards
Now that October and Halloween are over...over my objections and even if I didn't object and no matter what anyone thinks or says, Halloween is never "over." It's like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentines Day and Easter, only a million times more cool than those four "holidays" combined---they aren't merely a date on the calendar, they are in the heart, they are eternal and they never end...everyone's attention has been turned to Thanksgiving and Christmas and the pressing business of ruining them for me.
And everyone is halfway there already. I'm not going to mention any names because Suzette already gets way more than enough bad press. Every word of it is entirely accurate and well deserved but still, I feel sorry for her because she's senile. She's not even thirty yet and she has the mind of a 180 year old. A very short sighted, Alzheimer's addled 180 year old with a short temper and no concept of logic, reason or fair play.
She's a cheapskate, too. Did I tell you that she wouldn't give me a lousy million dollars when I desperately needed to buy a bunch of cupcake cars? Remind me to tell you that about that sometime when we have more time because tonight, we only have time to go over how she ruined Thanksgiving.
I was happy and rightfully proud of myself for single handedly coming up with an idea to save a holiday that no one really likes because it glorifies the fraud, genocide and theft of an entire country from the Native Americans by the invading barbarians from Europe. And at the same time, it would satisfy all the people in my conservative base who think that all the fraud, genocide and theft was a good thing because it introduced the native heathens to their invisible friend who lives in the sky and grants wishes.
In broad strokes, it would go like this: The entire meal would be served on naked girls, 26 of them, 13 to represent the original thirteen colonies and 13 to represent 13 of the native tribes that were raped, pillaged and plundered so we could have a four day weekend every November. You know, it's the same way they serve sushi in Seattle. And LA, San Fransisco, and Las Vegas now. New York FINALLY even has it.
I bet they even have it in Chicago, now. And that begs the question: Where the heck is the Phrase That Pays that pays off in naked sushi? The next time you see Elton Jim and/or What's His Name, ask them that. In the meantime, let's back to what's most important: How the whole stupid world is unfair to me.
So, you see, everyone from the most brain damaged arch conservative to the most sensitive arch liberal would be perfectly happy. Everyone, that is, except for senile 180 year old French girls who are trapped in bodies that aren't even 30 years old yet.
I very carefully and slowly, taking care to use small words, to compensate for her mental disability, explained the whole thing, right down to the measurements of the 13 girls who would be wearing Pilgrim hats and the perfect booty's of the 13 who would be wearing feathers and she said, "No."
But first, she said, "Isn't it past your bed time?" So then I had to explain to her...yet again...that I am not only an adult but also the Supreme Grand Ruling Commander-In-Chief and Chief Executive Officer of this house as well as king of this castle, etc etc etc and therefore I can do whatever I want and what I say goes and she said, "Get your feet off the coffee table."
That's when I reminded her that her opinions mean nothing in the face of my all encompassing authority and that's when she got mad about nothing and started another fight for no reason. I'll spare you the boring details, save the outcome...big surprise here...I won. Even an entire army of dumb girls couldn't beat me. One dumb girl has no chance at all.
The surprising, inexplicable and totally unfair part is that Thanksgiving dinner won't be served on 26 naked girls. The hors d'œuvres for tonight's party won't even be served on naked girls. I'm dumbfounded, to say the least, but I am glad that we have this, the drink that Fifi created for tonight:
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Naked Turkey Trot
Ingredients:
* 2 cups Cranberry juice
* 2 cups 7-Up
* 1 cup Wild Turkey
Mixing instructions:
Mix with a stirrer in a pitcher then pour over ice into glasses. A Thanksgiving tradition for the truly dysfunctional family!
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I know, I know, it's hard to get in a party mood given the gross lack of nudity and the added insult of food being served by fully dressed waitresses from platters but just do the best you can. Wait a minute! I do have something that will cheer you up. I have some great ideas for serving carrot and celery sticks that will make your next family gathering a smash hit. Let's go in the study and talk about it.
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