| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | Coast To Coast AM---Monday November 2, 2009 |
Just Another Stairway To Nowhere
I don't have to tell you to not believe everything you read. Or see. Especially what you read in the papers and see on TV but since not everyone is as smart as you are...you knows the ones I'm talking about, the missing link mouth breathing troglodytes who automatically accept everything the hippie liberal bed-wetting commie dangerously radical drive-by media tells them as an absolute fact...I have to get a jump on the drop-out beatnik criminal element libel artists who pass as journalists these days and say that I am not advocating a return to slavery.
All I said is that people should be property and I should have the right to own them. And I know that some people are going to say that there is only the finest of lines between that and slavery but that's only until they see what a good reason I have for it. You see, I got this great idea today...where it came from, I have no idea. Great ideas are like that a lot of the time. They just magically appear out of nowhere, for no reason.
I was just innocently sitting here in my office, minding my own business, listening to the radio and there it was. Bang! Just like that, I somehow knew that I had to build a stairway to Heaven. So I went to my Head Architect, Clerestory, and explained my plans to her, and she said, "Why? Just have Bunni (Miss Bunni is my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Mystical Affairs and Head Astrologer and she's really good at opening doorways between dimensions) create an opening and just walk through it like you always do."
"That's boring," I explained, very slowly, because Clerestory isn't very bright and has a hard time grasping good ideas. "That's why I want Miss Bunni to create a stable perpetual opening between here and Heaven, only a thousand miles above the game room and I want you to bridge the gap with a solid gold staircase, or, if that's too expensive, a gold plated one. As long as it looks good. Oh, and an elevator, too, because I hate using the stairs."
That's when she went off the deep end...why are there so many short sighted people out there and why do so many of them end up around me?...but she finally agreed to build a thousand foot gold painted iron staircase to Heaven along with an elevator the minute I convinced Suzette (I'm still not sure how or why but she controls all the money around here even though she's just my Chef De Cuisine and Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Bliss, not my treasurer) that it wasn't the most idiotic idea I had ever had.
"I suspect, though," She went on, even though it was way past the point where she should have stopped talking, "That she'll use this to finally have you committed." Then she went on and explained how ancient civilizations, like the Greeks, Romans, Egyptians and Celts did things like this with slave labor because it was cheaper and more reliable.
I decided to not bother trying to explain to her that crazy people can't have sane people locked up in rubber rooms and instead said, "Slavery is wrong but if I could buy a bunch of workers and save a ton of money on labor costs, that wouldn't be so bad. How much would it save?"
She did some quick calculations and said, "Roughly $100 million. But, sorry, it's illegal."
"For the moment, perhaps. Barack owes me a lot of favors, so I'll run it past him and we'll see what happens. In any case, just start drawing up the plans and then order the materials. I'm going to go talk to Suzette now and then I'll call Barack and I figure we can start first thing in the morning, " I said. "And find out how much dancing girls cost. If I'm going to be saving $100 million, I should put some of it back into the economy."
"I'll get right on it," She said. "And don't worry, I'll come see you every week."
I don't know what she meant by that and I didn't have time to find out. I had to get this project rolling so I went to tell Suzette about the stairway to Heaven, the return of owning workers...which is not slavery...and that she was going to give me all the money it would require. Then I had to get the President to write a little executive order that would allow me to buy and sell people.
I'd love to tell you how those conversations went but I can't because I have to go now. The judge wants to see me again. You know, there's nothing wrong with cross dressing, if that's what you're into, but if you're a guy wearing a dress, you shouldn't be trying to tell me I'm crazy.
Anyway, the only thing you need to know is that I am not now, nor have I ever been in favor of bringing back slavery. All I ever wanted to do is own a few thousand workers and some dancing girls to save a little money. And if any reporter or editor tries to tell you otherwise, just remember that they are lying to you. And they are the reason the economy is failing. Now, go have a town hall meeting speak out about about how all those traitors are ruining America and I'll get back to you tomorrow with my next good idea.
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