| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | Coast To Coast AM---Friday October 16, 2009 |
Another Halloween Completely Ruined
I'm glad...no. Strike that. Because I'm not glad at all. This happens every year and I'm sick of it. And I'm not at all glad that everyone waited till October 17 to ruin Halloween! They usually do it way earlier than this and that's why I was going to say that I'm glad but screw that!
I'm tired of being soft on crime. It's time that someone stood up and shouted STOP!!! And that someone is...well, not me. Because if I did that, it would just make things worse. So someone else has to to. And soon. Because I've had it up to here with waiting!
And I was even being lenient this year. Did I say anything when we waited till last night to have our first Halloween Party? No! Did I say anything about there being Kitty Litter Cake there? Even though I hate it and have expressly forbidden it to ever being served?
NO!!!! Did I even object when Suzette told me that she wasn't wearing her French Maid's Uniform? Even though I have ordered her to wear it? And not just on Halloween. I want her to wear it all the time. I would tell you how she responded to that but I'm not old enough to use most of those words. And I'm twice as old as she is!
See what I'm up against? You just can't fight City Hall when the entire world plus the ruling elite, The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy That's Out To Get Me and my staff are all ganging up on you. And my boss. Did I tell you that it wasn't till Thursday that the Chief sent me to Transylvania?
Except for all the other times he sent me to Transylvania this year but they don't count because they weren't in October. And, like a chump, I took all that in stride and didn't even complain. Much. And how do get I repaid for all that magnanimous patience and understanding?
First of all, my personal physician, Dr. Morticia Strangelove and my agent, Drusilla, cooked up this scheme to kidnap people and steal their brains. Tish is the one who actually started it. She told Dru that people retain every single sight, sound and experience and even dreams that they have ever had and she had figured out a way to extract all that data and Dru figured it was a great untapped source of best sellers because everyone has a brain full of information that would make at least one great novel.
This happened earlier this week when I was at work and Suzette stopped them before they even got started...she didn't even call a slayer. She's really scary when she gets in a mood like that. Even on the very rare occasions when she's doing something useful...and I didn't even find out about it till today.
That's when I also found out that it was all my fault somehow. I also found out that...and this is the "Second of all," part of this sequence that my editors are so paranoid that I'm going to leave out and make everything asymmetrical and thus plunge the Earth into a new orbit that will either freeze or burn the whole planet to death, depending on who you ask...to make it up to her, I am taking her to Dracula Returns.
I pointed out how unbearably boring that would be and then we had the same argument we have every time I take her to the ballet at the Paris Opera House. Or the Sydney Opera House. Or the Met. And every other venue in the world that hosts ballet performances.
I won the fight, of course, because no stupid girl can beat me. And then she said, "Fine. We're going to both of the Capitol Theater evening performances and the Muscatine performance, too." So now, I have to be bored to death not once but three times! Even though I did nothing wrong and on top of that, I even won an argument about the whole thing!
I didn't even stop there, though. I also offered to take her to the Quad City Opera House three times next week to make up for the stupid ballet that isn't even real ballet. That's the trouble...and please don't mistake this for a sweepingly inaccurate and unfair generalization, because there is nothing sweeping, inaccurate, unfair or general about it...with girls in general and French girls in particular.
They don't know anything about art! Or food, wine, movies....you name it and they get it all wrong almost all the time! But the thing they know the very least about is intellectually rewarding, culturally enriching and classy dancing. The ironic thing is that a great many of them can dance in an intellectually rewarding, culturally enriching and classy way especially well but since we don't have time for irony, we're just going to skip that part.
What we aren't going to skip is that the fact that my Halloween has been ruined again and I'm sick of it! And someone better do something about it. And soon. Because I'm tired of waiting!
(Read comments)
|
