|Current mood:|| rejected|
|Current music:||DAniel Bedingfield ~ If You're The One (on repeat-hehehe)|
kim, renee, and daniel
ok busy past 48hours:
yesterday i went to kims around 12 and we drove to Hopkington(?) to Gary's house to burn her Lianca cds-hahaha, can we say addiction? and her mom and Gary had a meeting at HomeDepot(Gary's expanding). before we left we watched some show on E! about gay and lesbian actors cuz eden from AMC was on it, yeah, for like three fucking seconds, she deserves more!!the car ride up was ok, kinda quiet, but not too bad seing as i had a lot on my mind. and we listened to volume one of the prerape lianca cds she burned last week. i had a few tears rolling down my cheeks during daniel bedingfield's "if you're not the one". i think i might be falling in love with kim again, and im so afraid that i will. i would give anything not to, i think it would put me in a hospital. but im not sure. i think it might just be my need to touch her and that i really need to have her just hold me and she cant, or at least hasnt really. like i kinda want to kiss her but thats about it other than having her hold me. but thats just cuz thats how i know that everything is ok and i feel like shit right now and rejection and lack of touching from her is killing me. but anyway, so then we got to garys, damn it was cold! lol so i think we broke the burner so we gave up and watched robin williams live on dvd till they came back. then we drove up towards SNHU and stopped at Applebees. the ride was ok i guess. i kinda just lost myself in my thoughts. at one point kim was all leaned up close to my head smelling my hair and it took me like a minute to realize she was there. it also hit me that when i had arrived at her house earlier, i wrapped my arms around her neck to hug her cuz she was sitting down eating. god, when that hit me my face just fell. i felt so bad. i mean i remember how i reacted when i touched her neck at the funeral and she jolted backwards. i know she knows that her rejecting my touch kills me but i would rather have her kill me than me kill her. im supposed to be the strong one and i suck at that. like i just wanted to reach over and hold her, just to cuddle up to her but i was so afraid to.
i just hate this so much. like because he touched her, she couldnt touch me when i went up for the weekend. then my walls went back up. i feared her rejection. when she called me on the monday(sept 15) i was thinking about going back to the hospital. ya know going back on meds and all that shit just to get better, for her. then that. like i just wanted to hold her, like maggie held bianca the night she got drunk, when she told her about the rape. and that was i guess the tought that got me through th week, holding her. then when mom wouldnt let me got on friday night i was ripshit cuz like they didnt know what had happened and so what just cuz i stayed home sick i couldnt go? i should have just gone to school, it was my own stupid fault. then when i finally got to go see her, mom dropped me offa and i hugged kim while she was holding the door open for me and she didnt hug me back. then she gave me a sweet little thank you for getting my through this week card and i went to hug her then pulled back and asked her if i could hug her. she said yes but she couldnt hug me back. i really thought that would be ok, just as long as i could hold her. but it hurt more than i could ever imagine, not to feel her arms around me.