"...a lonely heart..."
That's what my horoscope called me today, a lonely heart. Sure and if isn't the truth, and a truth that I don't want to really acknowledge. I was just sitting on the sofa, watching television, when I just had this incredible feeling of...something. By incredible, I don't mean good incredible, I mean painfully incredible. I think it's come to a point to where the "loneliness" has actually become a physical, tangible prescence inside my heart.
I had the most wonderful dream last night. I was in my backyard. It was early morning, the sun had just pushed itself over the tops of the trees with this golden warm light. There was this fog though, that covered the ground, almost like the fog that comes from those smoke machines. It was only a few inches thick and a few inches above the ground. Underneath the fog were these beautiful little purple flowers, I want to say lavender but I'm not sure. I was with a couple people, one was my sister, and they wanted us to crawl underneath the fog. I knew it was going to disturb the fog and I didn't really want to do that. It was like I thought it was going to ruin everything, like the flowers. We did it anyway. But as I was crawling I started to push myself up through the fog, and it almost felt like I was trying to run in water. The feeling though, was one of complete freedom, and I started running faster and now the fog was at my feet. Now there were clouds and blue sky around me, the fog was still there but I said with an amazed and wonderous smile "I'm flying..." And I was. When I finally cut through the fog though, I was back where I started and the purple flowers were all strewn about, in the trees and on the ground. I was upset, almost sad, but I kept remembering how I felt.....
I just...I feel so alone. I mean, I never ever thought I would need anyone. But all I've been wanting is someone to laugh with, someone to want me, to make me smile, make me happy, someone to hold me....to love me?, especially someone to just..I dunno, cuddle with. I hate saying this, because I sound so much like a ..girly-girl. And I'm not. I'm independent, I can do my thing, get by in life by myself. Its like all the dreams that I should have had when I was a little girl are finally starting to come around. I find myself singing Someday My Prince Will Come, and then feel foolish because there is no such thing as my prince. I find myself thinking how nice it would be to have a husband, a family, a two-story 5 bedroom house with a huge kitchen and a backyard with a dog. I look at pregnant women and feel something akin to...desire. A desire for a life inside of me, created by two people who are the ones for each other. ...Yet everday goes by and I can't help but think that as every day goes by, the reality of there being no such thing as "the one" for me becomes more apparent. To quote a song, I want to know what love is. I'm tired of saying it without meaning it.