|Current mood:|| exhausted|
|Current music:||Close Your Eyes (Buffy & Angel Love Theme) - Christopher Beck|
Always the shoulder to cry on...
I'm damn near exhausted emotionally trying to help Chris get through this crazy breakup. I can't stand people who feel sorry for themselves, even though I know I used to be the same and still am sometimes. It's only as bad as you make it. You are only as strong as you make yourself to be. I wanted to scream at him saying that I've been waiting the whole weekend to hear from a part of my family I've never met, she promised she'd call, that things would be different this time around, we will meet and get to know each other. Funny, as much as I want to believe her, I don't. And it's this that gets me through. This acquired, albeit...sad, ability to not feel when I should. If I let all the events of my past affect me now, I wouldn't even want to imagine where I'd be. I wouldn't be who I am right now. I'm a strong person, I'm able to get through my day without needing someone to be there for me. The only person you can trust in your life is yourself. And I believe it, because that's why I am who I am and where I am in my life. God, I wanted to tell him to get over it, get over your shortcomings, quit believing that you are the one who is not up to standard.
I'm making things difficult for myself. I'm forgetting myself. I want to believe so much that he does exist out there, this amazing person who really does care for me, who'd protect me and comfort me. I want to believe that there is someone who'll hold me when I need to held. I think I know him, but it's such an awkward situation and an unrealistic one. It's funny though..this thought that I just might actually let myself fall completely for him..because there is so much there for me, friendship, respect, laughter, a tentative love...more like fondness. Its just a matter of remembering where I am. My feet are on the ground, my heart is still inside and my mind is in the clouds.
When I close my eyes, something wells up inside of me pushing everything tight against my skin...the something is hollow though, making room for something else. And its emptiness isn't painful, it's bittersweet. Expectant. It reacts to certain thoughts and reverberates through my entire body, making it difficult to breathe but I still smile because it's a wonderful feeling. I don't know what it is...