| Current mood: |  cheerful |
| Current music: | Something Corporate-I Kissed a Drunk Girl |
I am so ZEN.
I don't know why I'm feeling so chipper right now. I have no right to, nothing that's happened today should make me feel good now. But for some reason, I'm actually cheerful and things don't look too bad. I'm still internally peeved at myself for being a slacker, but I will come to terms with that. I promise.
I finally went to volleyball open gym, three months after it started and it actually kind of sucked. As one of the worst players there, you can guarentee it's not going to be all that enjoyable, when your teammates are the varsity team members and Colin, Brett and Ben, all of whom are amazingly good and worthy of much worship. Especially Colin. Wow. I'm very jealous. I should probably work on that whole getting good at my sport thing. But it seems like something unacheivable at this point and playing with people like Julie doesn't make it any better. Grrr....She only likes you if you're on varsity or good. So Dani and I were excluded from her friendly game of love. Ew. She has the potential to be nice, but it's just really hard for her to let it show sometimes. Something to work on, Julie. Things to do: be nice to bad players. Yeah, right. I'm chunky from four months of disuse and oh my dear lord I suck. I had better do something about that before Reno. I might want to get a bit better before going to compete against thousands of other girls from all over the world. Yeah, I'll do that.
Okay, enough volleyball rambling. Maybe it's Fight Club that's making me feel so good. I'm getting further in this book and gosh....I'm in love with the whole thing. The movie, the book, the characters, the actors, the fighting, the violence, and above all, the brilliant, realistic ideas. This story forces you to think about things that would otherwise never occur to you and makes you reassess what you find to be important in life. Already I'm hating my room full of crap and useless things that I do not need. I really, really, really want to know what it feels like to have lye burning your hand. Is that masochistic? It probably is, but I'm really craving violence and injury to myself right now. Not self-inflicted. I've already tried that and it didn't do anything for me. Now I'm on a new quest for pain. Fight Club is the ideal solution. It all sounds kind of sick, but oh well. It sounds wonderful right now. I want someone to beat the shit out of me then just sit next to me somewhere where I can feel infinite. Two great books combined in one. On a side-note, I want to stalk our Charlie again. He's so adorable and I just hope he really is like Charlie. That would be lovely.
I love Danielle. I love being bi. I love knowing something that other people don't know, or even care about. It's like a sacred secret that no one can know about, and then when it comes out, no one gives a shit, but it still feels good to get it out in the open. I need to talk to my sister sometime. She needs to know, for all the difference it'll make in either of our lives. But whatever, it just seems like the next important step in my life. So I can't wait till she comes home for the summer. I'm actually missing her quite a bit. I want someone else around the house to take all the attention off of me and to have someone closer to my age to talk to. I used to go into her room at night when I was little with a book and just curl up next to her and read and that was our little bonding time. I want that again. I love Mary.
I'm just so full of love and fun emotions right now. I really do not understand this. It's extremely unusual for me and I don't know what to do with myself. Oh well, it'll pass and I'll be bitter again soon. Until then, enjoy my happy mood and smile. For once.
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