I Have A Headache. I Should Be Asleep.
I went to eat chinese food with my mom and shes all stressed out cause of my brothers. I feel so bad ... at least when I lived there she had me ya know.. we could lean on each other so to say. My brothers are assholes. I get along with the 22 year old because we both dont like my older one, Nick. But I hate his attitude, specially toward my mom. He has a chip on his shoulder and he needs to let it fucking go. I hated it there sooo much i'd freakin kill myself if i had to go back. I was reading over past entries, I was miserable. I don't know how I did it. I know I couldn't do it again... It was mostly a lot of emotional and some physical abuse. Not until i moved out did i realize the huge affect thats going to have on me.. It shows in just the way i interact with my roommates. I'll be fine one day and hiding away in my room the next, usually hiding away in my room becasue when i lived at home.. my room was my safe place. Where i didnt get consant comments about how much of a lazy, loser, worthless, selfish kid i was. I'm not over exagerating in anyway. It was an everyday thing.
I remember one night umm not tooo long ago. I was talking to Joey and he was asking me why i was so quiet. He probably doesnt remember this. And i told him, in my house you LEARN to shut your mouth. No one is born shy. And he goes "you need to move out"... which i later did :-D
Up until i was about 14. I was extremely outgoing. A chatter box, i never shut up (hard to believe right?) and not to sound all up on my self but, i had a lot of friends. Then i realized how wrong things were and i closed off to everyone. I remember my friends dad would always ask me whats wrong... and i'd use the lack of sleep as an excuse.
Right now my brothers friend Juan is living there. so now not only do we have nicks friends comin over 24/7 but his as well. My mom wants to tell Juan to leave but she doesnt know how cause he's been a family friend since i was like 5. As long as I could remember we had one of Nick's loser friends living with us.
This is why i have a bias thing about guys that try to be "gangsta" cause thats what type he is and thats the type of guys i grew up around. I always went for the losers in HS. I still do somewhat. I feind for the guy that'll treat me like shit. At least now i realize it and can prevent it in the future. of course i do like the nice guys, but it always being the nice guys i cant have or show no interest in me.
Joey- my middle brother. Is very bitter. He has always had nick putting him down, as i have.. but since he's younger than nick he's never gotten the crediblity as nick has. And one other thing Joey and I can relate on is were always seen as the children.
I was sitting in my moms car earlier putting something away and i felt... funny. .. like i shouldnt be there? I dont know how to explain it. Like i was 12 almost... and its like HI, i'm going to be 20 i should own a car. I should have WAY more indapendence and more importantly CONFIDENCE in myself than i do.
Nick ugh. My moms told him to leave multiple times. I've told her already he wont go unless you call the cops. DO IT. She's too worried about making a scene. Um.. its worth your sanity, it really is. I don't mean to come off as the cold hearted bitch but i'm SICK of it. If nick would just grow the fuck up. I'm sick of these people being misrable and making everyone else that way. If you dont like your life GET OFF YOUR ASS AND CHANGE IT. Fuck. Its really not that difficult to understand. Nick is so vindictive. He thinks the world revoloves around him and usually only cares about himself. He doesn't ask for permission for anything, he takes. I remember my mom always tellin gme to hide my stuff or my money so nick wont take it. WTF. MY freakin room and i have to hide my own belongings so they wont get stolen from me?!
On the other hand, when we were younger he was protective of me like the normal brother would be. Made sure I had eaten lunch and dinner. But sometimes the bad doesn't rule out the good. Funny thing is no matter how angyr he gets me. I could forgive him in a heartbeat if he only said he was sorry.
There's a part of me that feel so bad for him and I just wanna do something, anything to help him.. then the other that wants to say .. you know what. Fuck you. You dug your damn hole and in turn you put me in one... now get youself the fuck out of it on your own.
There is a lot of stuff I actually don't remember. I was reading this Psych. thing and it was saying that you sometimes disconnect yourself from stuff like that. I remember a few occasions of being dragged of my bed or getting pulled this way and that way, getting smacked, etc etc. I never really bruised easily but there was one time I was laying on the top bunk bed and I had one arm hanging off the side.. I don't remember what happened that he pulled my by my arms and I went forward and my cheek bone.. not my cheek bone but the part right under your eye smacked into the metal frame. Nice bruise from that.
There is a huge size diff between nick and i. I am 5'3" 90lbs. Nick is 5'10" like 230lbs or so.
Now dont get me wrong i dont hate nickand truely its not as bad as it sounds. I hate what hes done to my family. Its like dominos... we all had a part in fucking it up but he started the little "topple" by doing druges and being the spoiled bitch he is. Another reason why i've never even tried smoking pot. Nick doesnt like my dad. Um.. they're the exact same fucking thing.
The Joys of living in disfunctionville.
But of course, things could be MUCH worse.
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