| Current mood: | rushed |
| Current music: | Partisans: I never needed you |
From the septic tanks
I am ina a hurry but I figure I would have to do this now or it would take another few days again until I get another chance to write anything coherrent.
I know my journal has been to put it bluntly rather boringt for long time and I havent written it much anyway. Main reason for this was that Mari told me I shouldnt write about her here and it was kinda hard not to since I spent all my time with her for the past three or four months and most of it at Tampere. Well. I dont have that problem anymore.
She lost her place some time ago and moved in with me here with us in Helsinki. She never was really happy here but I guess it was her only choice and the original plan was that she would be here for two months. She found a new place in tampere rather quickly and well, two weeks ago she came for her stuff and dumped me.
Her reasons? Well, I only have a small clue. When it was offical she was leaving me, I didnt want to discuss it. I just went to the gas station and bought enough beer to get me drunk enough so I wouldnt have to think about it. She just took her stuff quickly and was out of my life. I am not angry at her since unlike some girls I have been with she had enough heart to dump me in person, offered to talk about it face to face and face sympathetic towards me. But I didnt want to talk, I am still not sure if I wish to. What difference does it make? I am just so fucking sick of this bullshit and lately, my feelings towards women ingeneral have not improved.
From that on I kept so fucked up 24 hours a day I havent even thought about it much. Yesterday was my first day sober since the break up so I had to think about it for the first time. What I learned? I love her and I miss her and wish she would come to her senses. Its just too bad that I had been pretty straight before all this. I drank maybe once or twice a week and not as much as usual. After, well. I just have been coping the way I always cope with tragedies. And dont you think that I blame her for my problems with substance abuse. The choice is always mine.
Though on the plus side I have been more active than usual. I have had band rehearsals, AT-meetings, VT-staff meetings and just hanging around at Vuoritalo-club wich I missed so dearly when I was in Tampere. Though I have to say I havent been very happy about the things that have been made while I was away. In Tampere there are now as much as three gigs a week at their club Vastavirta. We have maybe one or none now and somebody even agreed to let these dumb fucks arange a psyche-trance night there. And since nobody voulenteered guess who is one of the dumb fucks who is going now. Atleast I get enough beer for this shit...
Speaking of which I got to hurry this up. I have to leave there soon.
I have been sort of happy that I finally get to put in some work. To do what I love and stay at places that are dear to me, I actually am amazaed how much I have actually accomplished though its pretty obvious I am in a state of morurning. I am just afraid the blind rage will hit me sooner or later. I have also seen myself turning more and more cynical and mean and I doubt that I can afford it. I am like that enough as it is and it really shames me how rude I have been to my few friends lately. No sense to dwell in it, I guess.
Okay. Now I gotta be leaving. I get to spend the whole night, from dusk till dawn, listening to stupid techno crap and guarding the office from these hippy dippy meat heads. So I just cant wait to leave already. Bye for now people. See you when I am done trippin.
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