|Current mood:|| drained|
|Current music:||Nerve Agents|
Another Sleepless night...
I really have to work on my sleeping habits. I really felt like napping yesterday, I am always at this constant tiredness and along with it comes those feelings of guilt and insignificance.
I hate how I feel. I act happy so as not to worry my mom and dad. The whole talk we had about cutting was enought to hide everything. I do think it has helped me bring my habits to an end, but I still have that urge to draw blood every once in a while. I have noted that drawing little black hearts on or around the area that u want to hurt helps.
I have also been thinking of reasons that I may have began doing that to my self. I used to (and still do) get the urge to hurt myself when I am let down, or angry at some one else. I thought that since I am not exactly one to stand up and take care of things that upset me, that mostly others bring on, I take out my anger towards them, on to my self. I have often lost it, and blew up on those people. but then it bothers me for the next few days; the things I said, gestures that I may have made to them, things that were rude... its things like that I think I keep everything in. Also, I think my lack of being able to open up to others. With the new school that I am attending, I try desperatly to talk with new people. but I dont trust any one of them. I think with the occurings that happened because of David, also didnt help matters. I get frusterated with my self, not being able to trust these new people, not saying things, and including my self in more conversations. Then I used to come home and cut, burn, and scratch until enough pain and damage was done, that I felt relieved.
I honestly dont know why I have to question, and figure out every ill minded thing I have done.. but I do. and it bothers me. If I try to push it out of my head, It leaves me to think about it when I am trying to sleep. I dont even cry any more. I used to cry all the time, it was like thearapy. It felt better. But I cant do it anymore.. like I ran out of things to cry about and everything seems so Clichéd.
Mom starts work today. she got a job at K mart. Its only part time, but I think after the holidays they are going to put her on full time. It sort of bothers me that she is going to working again. With Sign-A-Rama, where she used to work, she could just tell them she was leaving and go. Now she wont be as free as she used to me. They are working around her schedule for now, until I can talk with Pete and move my guitar lessons, but then she wont be taking me. I have to move to a later time, so Dad can take me. I dont want Dad to take me. Things are aweward with him..I always sit and think of what I am going to say to him. I ama terrified of saying something wrong and him catching on to it and throwing it back in my face. He has never hurt me or anything, I just..Dont know to be honest. My dad is the type that says what he thinks, The way I used to be until I began choking one my words and learned to swallow my thoughts. And I think, for him to say something to me, his opinions, it would lead to me downfall...
*look at me ramble... I almost brought on the tears again thinking about all of this shit.*
I get so irritated. I drive me self nuts with the little things that bother me. For instance, I will be watching something on TV and Dad will up and take the remote and turn the channel.. Same program to watch, but only a diffrent channel.. whats the use of that. Or when my mom gets that Motherly ugre to fix my shirt or something in public... it drives me nuts. Its the simple things.
I was talking with Alyx about the whole David thing that happened.. and she said that she has seen me on the brings of loosing it... For the last month and a half I have been walking on a fucking tight rope trying not to loose it.. and then people tell me that they admire me for how strong I am.. Ha! People dont know shit do they? Im sorry... I really am..
And thats another thing that I have been doing alot lately.. I am so fucking remorseful. If something really small happens I am giving you the "im sorry" line. Even if I didnt do anything, and something happens that its your own dame fault, Im sorry. Things that I can not control... yes I am sorry. To be Honest, I am sorry. I am sorry that I was put here and I have to take up space on this earth.
I just dont know anymore....