|Current mood:|| indescribable|
|Current music:||classical music in the backround of the Ashlee Simpson Show|
I'm a single woman... for the first time in a long while. My boyfriend... er well ex-boyfriend of like over a year and a half (on again and off again) broke up with me because he felt our 'spark' was gone. I guess I agree but I was just upset by the way it all went down. He met another girl, who happens to be bisexual, so when they break up they'll both go back to kissing girls... not that I'm a homophobe but I just have never had someone who's bisexual around me. It bothers me to see how he played me and my family. We took him in as one of our own, we loved him like a member of the family and two days after he tells me that he'll be with me forever and that he loves me to death and couldn't live without me, he breaks up with me. I'm just frustrated that I trusted someone who let me down. I thought all we had been through would be enough to carry us through anything. I guess I was wrong. I'm looking forward to meeting new people and experiencing new things. My mom is encouraging me to date up, my sister's a senior in highschool ( i'm only a lonely sophmore) and I'm pretty good friends with all of her friends... she said I'm welcome to hang out with them anytime. I guess I'd feel like a fifth wheel, or like I'm invading her space-friends-life. I guess I thought I knew my place and now its gone. Wow, I say "I guess" a lot. Well this is my own personal thoughts so who cares. Its funny how without even moving my mouth or expressing one word all this can come from my mind and through my fingers onto this website without me having to say a word. I'm frustrated that Kevin keeps trying to talk to me. My mom's convinced that he is using me and is trying to keep me around so when he and Taylor don't work out he can come right back. I'm tired of waiting around and wasting my energy loving someone who doesn't love me back. I'm a new person, a reborn person and I'm going to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I want to meet new guys, I hope that there are some mature, intelligent guys out there who will give me the light of day. Its hard to find yourself attractive when you've got NO self esteem and a history of being teased for looking 'different'. ::SIGH:: I wish there was a life remote that came in a neat little package when you were born, complete with a Life for Dummies guide to getting through life unscarred. Its hard to not learn your lessons the hard way; I guess I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with all the hurt I've experienced in the fifteen years I've been on this Earth. I just want to know whats going to come my way in the future. I want to know whats around the corner. Its hard to be brave when you're uncomfortable in your skin and alone in a teenage world. The hardest part of life is grabbing the bull by the horns and putting yourself out there, unafraid of whats around the corner. I never thought myself to be the kind of girl who puts herself out there. My entire life I was the shy, quite girl who kept to herself and tried everything in the book to blend in and just get lost in the crowd. High school is everything I've dreamed it to be. I feel like I belong somewhere, and am doing something productive in my life. Sure, theres those times where you want to hide in the nearest locker and when kids are still immature; but for the most part its my home away from home. I was always one of those kids who didn't like summer. I get antsy real fast and if I don't have a routine I get lost in the shuffle. I forget what day it is, what time it is and my judge of time gets horrible. I like that I don't have to schedule my time between Sara and Kevin anymore. I love Sara to death, she's the one who's stuck by me through the thick and thin and I love her to pieces! Her family's been soo good to me that I could never repay them. They have made me an honorary Emme and its nice. I need to start working out soon. I think tomorrow I'm going to start running and working out downstairs. I really need to get into shape for Volleyball. Its the one thing in school that I love to do. Sure, I hate practice and I hate the coaches ( sometimes they can be cool ) and for the most part the girls on the team are nice to me, but deep down I love the game. I'm not really confident in making the team. I hope I do, I don't care if I don't start but I want to be apart of the team again this year. I need to start working too. Sara got me an application to NOW foods where her dad is like the CEO or like Department Chair of the entire company. He's the Head Honcho, the Big Kahuna! I hope I get the job because I could use the money. I'm going to try and be money smart this year, I can't be frivlious anymore, I'm going to have to start paying for gas soon! EEK! I can't wait to get my license, its my ticket to freedom. I can escape the drama anytime I want. Thank god, speaking of escaping the drama I think I'm going to go to bed and write or watch TV. Jessica wants to get online anyway... I think this is a long enough entry to begin with. I think I'm going to keep this a friends only site. For now I'm out...