|Current mood:|| frustrated|
we argued again last night. i know that it's not fair to expect him to do the same things for me that i do for him- to make the same sacrafices, esp if he doesn't know all the things that i do and don't do for him - however, i still think its fair of me to ask him to consider my feelings once and awhile. i hate to say he was being selfish, b/c by saying that, i'm being selfish, and i recognize that.
in the midst of our "conversation" he asks me - if someone came to your house and offered you $15 K more than your house is worth - would you take it? and i said no. that spurred a long conversation in which i tried to explain the fact that i don't trust anyone - and if someone were to do that, i would assume i was getting screwed somehow - but i gave him some stupid example - say i had this toy - a toy i never really played with anymore and someone came up to me and offered me double what i paid for it, my instint would be no - i would wonder why and wonder what i didn't know and that person knew. however, if someone came up to me and i found out that he honestly loved the toy, but could never have it b/c his parents were poor or whatever, i would give him the toy for free - just to make him happy. to which somehow ben took that as me being high and mighty. that im on some fucking high horse and look down on people.
good god. i don't think im a snob. i know i was rasied a certain way, and i don't understand some things, or how people can live certain ways, but i don't hold that against them - i just don't understand. money doesn't matter to me - jesus, if it did do you think i would be working where i am now? do you think id have the friends i have? do you think id date the men i date? i don't care. i don't care if i make more or less money. i don't care if i have more or less of an education then someone. and to be bluntly honest, i am attracted to men who are "blue collar" if you have to label it. i enjoy being around people who are both street and book smart. im around intelligent book smart people every day who know shit about the real world. i love having intelligent conversations with people who can actually talk and think rather than recite what the latest best seller had to say about who was to fucken blame for the aftermath of the latest fucken hurricane. jesus christ.
then he goes on to say some of his friends feel im high and mighty, but then he wouldn't name names. what? are we 5 years old again? is that true, or are you just saying that to hurt me?
i know he has self esteem issues, and i recognize the defense mechanism of hurting me first so that i won't hurt him. but ive never looked down on him for his lack of a formal education, ive never looked down at him b/c i make more money then he does and i have never looked down on him bc he has a blue collar career - in fact, i love the fact that he builds houses i love that he creates things. and i realize that he has these negitive thoughts about himself, and hes worried that i think the same way - but how do i get him to understand that i don't think that way? ive told him over and over how i feel about him but he just won't listen. and i realize that he has to come to grips with himself before he can ever belive that i feel that way about him, but damn it, don't make me feel like shit b/c i have my career in place and it happens to be what some people assume is high collar - i don't have my shit together either - i just have a good job - that's all. don't make me feel like shit and don't blame me for my place in life when i don't blame you for yours.