| Current mood: |  contemplative |
Sometimes I wonder why I still exist. I am not very well liked or supported in any efforts that I do. The only real support I ever receive is from my internet friends. Of course to everyone else here they are nothing more than fake things that I have made up to believe are my friends. Sometimes I question that too but if they were not my friends then I know that they would never send me things or put up with me like they do. So they must be more than aquaintances at least.
While I am liked by them it is not really what I want. What I want is to be socially excepted for who I am among the simplest things such as my own family. They do not care that I work very hard and everything I own I have broken sweat to get. They do not care if I go to a school to further my education and sometimes have insisted that I just stop and "grow up". They criticize me for the way I look, my hair is too short, my jeans are too baggy or long, I am fat, they do not like my teeth. And yet after receiving such compliments from them they often wonder why I do not like to spend time with them or why I prefer to stay at my own home away from them.
The extended family is not much better. They tell me I am not godly enough because I have not been on mission trips and I do not attend church every sunday and wednesday and because I am not a participant in any church affairs. They say that I do not work hard enough and that when I complain about work their attitude is that it is good for me because I'm finally doing something.
Why can't I have a family that accepts me for who I am? I imagine it would be much more enjoyable to go to their outings and I know I would not be so depressed all the time. I think about my cousins and I know they do not get depressed over being lonely. They would cry over the loss of a boyfriend or a family member but never just because they have no one to be there for them and tell them they are doing a good job. There is no one to tell me that and I have not heard it in such a long time. I wish someone would tell me how proud they are of me once in a while. I wish someone would give me some confidence every now and then.
Perhaps this is why I cling to this internet family. I realize that here I say I need no one but perhaps I am the one that needs everyone most of all. It is sad to say that they might never truly know that. I never plan to tell them for that is not how I am. But I don't really think I will have to anyway,.. I am sure they already know..
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