| Current mood: |  aggravated |
Aside from feel uterly useless things are going okay for me. I've been training non-stop since that whole ordeal with Kakarott. I paused a few times to go check up on Anna but other than that I haven't done shit. I don't even know why I bother trying to be the best. It's way too hard. Sometimes I just want to press "pause" and say 'that's it, I'm done.'
The only problem with giving up is that sooner or later my pride kicks in and gets the best of me and then I get angry with myself because I did give up. Or someone will approach me and lecture me over why I shouldn't give up. I am so tired of dealing with all this crap. And that is all that it is,.. crap.
I don't care what people think about me. I don't care about pleasing people or making them happy. I don't give a shit about people and their problems. Everyone is always at fault for their own problems and they need to stop bitching at me for them like it's my fault. I'm tired of hearing the same old bullshit of how I hurt someone or "this is your fault because"...
I'm tired of being put on guilt trips when people don't like what I say or how I do things. I'm tired of being the person that has to get fed all the emotional backlash from the mistakes I am trying to get over. I do not believe there is a single person out there that can possibly understand what I am going through. They say they do but I know they don't. Until they have spent 5 years putting up with hatred from parents, peers (both online and off), financial debt, suicide, and mental anguish they can not say "oh I know how that feels". Unless they have actually dealt with the badgering persistance of people telling them it's their fault why others have tried to kill themselves they can not possibly "feel" my mental anxiety.
And why is it that I get blamed for everything? It must be so easy to point a finger at me because I'm a complete ass. But here's a news flash for them, why the fuck do they continue to talk to me after I strictly tell them to "fuck off?" and then they further it by counter acting my statements and then wonder why I'm so pissed off. Or here's a good one, people that piss me off and then wonder how come I don't add them as "friends" or call them or want to do things with them. Sure, I don't have anything better to do but anything would be better than spending another waking moment with someone that disgusts me.
And the sad thing is that I am surrounded by these morons which I am forced to tolerate and will probably never get rid of. It just irritates me so much how a simple "I'm sorry" can not just be left at that anymore and instead turns into, "I'm sorry. I was having a bad day and blah blah," and guilt tripping me into feeling sorry for snapping in the first place. I'm tired of it. Fuck you all...
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