| Current mood: |  stressed |
| Current music: | U Should've Known Better - Monica |
The End
I am tired. I always seem to put myself in these situations. I've been standing out here for a while thinking about everything that has happened in my life. It makes me wonder why I am still here. What is the point? I know Anna is home waiting for me. I should go home and see her but.. .. I'm scared I guess. I have messed up so much that I know if I return back to that life I will just make things worse for us. I know she understands that though; that's why she's still there waiting for me. Sometimes I wonder why she stays there and waits like she does. I guess our bond is a lot stronger than I think it is. I mean I have done horrible things to her and yet she still stays there and waits for me; she still tells me she loves me, she still wants to be with me. After everything I have done she still cares. I don't think I've ever known anyone like that. I know most other people would have been gone by now so I should take care of her. I guess it scares me that there is someone out there that cares so much about me. I am never been in that spot before and now that I am, I am not sure what to do about; so I run away from it.
I remember when we first started dating I would make her dinner every night and sit and wait for her and she wouldn't come home. I guess now I'm doing that same thing. I just can't help it. I've hurt her so much I don't want to do it again. I really do care about her. She and Takai mean so much to me but I feel like I'm stuck in a rut or something. I fight, I train to fight, that is what I do. Why is there no one that understands that? Why does everyone assume there is a problem with me when I stay gone? I was never one for being in crowds or multiple company. I am just not the type but no one understands that. They all want me to do these things. I realize that once I started to express my emotions to people all they wanted was for me to be more and more open; I am not that way. And once they knew about how I felt they tried to use it all against me. It was a bad idea to ever say anything.
I should have just kept my mouth shut. Which is what I think I'm going to do from now on. The less I give them, the less they can hurt me. I'm still waiting for someone to show up and tell me to go home. I almost want it to happen that way but I know it won't. For some reason, everyone is leaving me alone this time. It's hard to go on after everything that has happened. And then tack on more and more each time. Last night Goken actually showed up to talk to me again; basically to attack me for things I have no clue in. I told him to take whatever I gave him and just take care of it. He seems to have stolen those that I once held close to me and then he shows up to rub it in my face. It's okay though; I am trying not to let that get to me. I'm a Saiyan.. ... we don't need anyone. We are suppose to be alone and that is how it has been for me and how it continues to be. I don't want it to be like that but I can't help it.
I wish things were okay. I wish things didn't have to hurt so much. I wish there was someone around to listen to me; someone that I would actually open up and tell things to. Everyone is always so right about me but I can't help it. Everytime I try to be the good guy and help I get a horrible back lash from it. I don't think I can go home anymore... if I saw Anna and Takai I can only see how miserable they are... how badly I caused all that. I was right about being a bad father... I am a bad father. Takai is going to grow up never knowing me and as much as I don't want to think about that it just feels like it's the right thing to do. Why cause more pain?
(Read comments)
|
