| Current mood: |  stressed |
Loss
Dealing with loss is never a good thing for me. I've lost so many things in my life you'd think I'd be use to it by now. But I'm not. I nearly killed Jack today. That noise just keeps getting louder and louder and it just hurts me. I have lost three people over the course of about 4 days. First it was Kakarott, then my son, and now Miu. I accepted Kakarott's leaving because I knew he needed the time to figure things out and etc etc. I had to accept the loss of my son because there was really nothing I could do to bring him back. And now I must deal with the loss of Miu.
I think a living loss is probably the most hardest. Unlike Kakarott she is still around so that just makes it even harder. I don't like Miu. I don't want to be with Miu like everyone suggests. I find that when I tried that she turns into a completely different person who wants to do nothing more than follow me around and takes orders from me in attempt to "please" me. No,.. I just miss what we had. From a non-sexual standpoint she was the one person I told most everything too. I wasn't afraid to talk to her about things.
I just feel betrayed. She told me she wasn't going anywhere; she'd be there for me. I know now that she isn't. I try not to focus on it. When I do it's like a stabbing pain attacks my chest. I physically hurt. And when I get that way I want to destroy things; try to make the pain go away.
I nearly killed Jack today. I went by to see him and I had been doing that thinking. Usually when that happens, when I start thinking about one bad thing that usually leads to more bad things. I was just so mad and stupid that I fell for it. How could I think that she would even want to listen to me after everything that I had done to her?! If I was her I wouldn't even want to see me! I was so angry I just wanted to kill something. I was going to go destroy Xilac's house to ease my own pain but Jack managed to stop me and we both ended up hurt. Jack hurt physically and me hurt emotionally and mentally.
I just don't know what to tell Miu. I miss her but at the same time I have to let that friendship go. It's clear what she wants,.. it isn't me.
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