Sonja (vegansonja) wrote, @ 2004-07-31 20:30:00

Hunger, it seems, becomes me.
I've come to realize (again and again) that I've been conditioned from birth to hold back, to be timid, to be as humble and gracious as I can be, to slip into the background, to always accomodate to everyone else, to easily give in, etc. ... I'm not unhappy with all such habits, but the realization has helped me to better understand the things about myself that annoy me most.

I'm not an especially confident person, but that isn't because I feel I'm less bright/competent/attractive/likable/whatever than the rest of the world, nor is it because anyone has ever tried to convince me that I am. I lack outward confidence, at least in part, because my elders subtly trained me to view that sort of thing as a virtue. Even now, I find it incredibly easy to grow fond of the humble and even easier to be turned off by the pretentious and arrogant.

I mention this tonight for two reasons. The first is a phone call from my mother. The topic was "find out about financial aid options for your cousin, skank-whore (minus the bit about me being a skank-whore)!" :) ...which doesn't bother me a damn bit. What bothered me slightly was Mom's mention of an antique clock that once belonged to my great-great-grandmother.

Before I was born, it was my great-grandfather who kept the thing wound and working. After his death, it belonged solely my great-grandmother, who rarely touched it. This isn't a tale of great love and loss. I don't think winding that old clock would bring tears to Gatsie's eyes. She simply is afraid that in winding it, she will break it.

Now Mom has the clock. It has spent the last decade in the basement living room of my Tell Citian home, and that mama of mine thinks it's about time she let the clock fulfill its aesthetic potential upstairs.

... She's going to take it to some sort of clock expert, so he can teach her proper clock-winding technique. Um. I've never looked much at this particular clock. It has long rested on a high mantel, and I thought for many years that it had long ago ceased to function. It doesn't appear particularly delicate. I might even call it "robust". Perhaps it can only be wound through an extraordinarily complex or challenging procedure... but I quite doubt it. :)

Damn I don't feel like writing. I'll get to the point. ...

I was born into a line of smart, competent women who have been trained not to attempt things themselves. ...and I very much wish I weren't one of them. :)

Fuck the second reason! Blogging is a thorn in my side. I probably don't have pancreatitis at all!

Post a comment in response:

From:		Anonymous
		Username:
		Username:  Password:  Login?
Subject:	No HTML allowed in subject
	No Image
	Don't auto-format:
Message:	Enter the security code below. Notice! This user has turned on the option that logs IP addresses of anonymous posters. Allowed HTML: <a> <abbr> <acronym> <address> <area> <b> <bdo> <big> <blockquote> <br> <caption> <center> <cite> <code> <col> <colgroup> <dd> <dd> <del> <dfn> <div> <dl> <dt> <dt> <em> <font> <h1> <h2> <h3> <h4> <h5> <h6> <hr> <i> <img> <ins> <kbd> <li> <li> <map> <marquee> <ol> <p> <pre> <q> <s> <samp> <small> <span> <strike> <strong> <sub> <sup> <table> <tbody> <td> <tfoot> <th> <thead> <tr> <tt> <u> <ul> <var> <xmp>