as each day goes by with out by my side, another piece of wats left my heart breaks
another while since i last updated..got accepted to william paterson n friggin everday i get a new letter from them sayin welcome to our school, annoyance. mom finally thinks i should go to brookdale 1st but for some financial reason that i dont get but o well. yea everythins been goin ok...until tuesday...i made a huge mistake thinkin it would help us. but it just ruined everythin n i cant take it but hes kinda makin me suffer which i guess i deserve.i cant deal with this, i cant look at him without wantin to cry or hug him. n i kno he cant even look at me in general. i ruined everythin i had n no matter wat it will never change even if we got back together it wouldnt be the same. he was my everythin n now im left with nothin n i wanna just stab myself to death b.c i ruined the most wonderful relationship i will ever have n that was the last thing i wanted to do. nothin will ever be the same again, i will never be happy havin him as my friend, i just wish i could wake up from this nightmare but b/c of me its permanent n i hate myself more than nethin. how could i have ever done this, i lost everythin that kept me happy, he was the only thing keepin me alive n without him i might as well be dead. ill never be able to feel the way i did wen he would hug me or hold my hand n esp. kiss, i ruined it all n it will never be the same no matter wat n he will never take me bak b.c im a horrible person who ruined a strong 10months + for no good reason. i just wanna close my eyes n never wake up so i dont have to feel this pain nemore. b/c it will never go away, everytime i see him or hear him or think of him the pain will just continue to increase until it finally does kill me. i can honestly say that i wish i would die b.c i dont deserve to live after doin this. i just cant get over how stupid i was. U RUINED EVERYTHIN GILL!!!!! u lost it all n ull never be able to find it again.
i hate u gillian i fukin hate u n i wish u would just die
day 3 of another sleepless n tearstained night
ull never be happy again
- just look at the bg picture. we were so perfect our love was so special n so rare, n it took me forever to find it, n i just threw it all away, for wat? ill never be able to forgive myself.
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