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Couple entries ago I think I mentioned my job. I work in Schoolcraft looking out for 6 adults with special needs of some sort. For confidentiality reasons, I can't mention anything about specific cases, but the company, HomeLife Inc., works with people who've suffered traumatic brain injury or other sorts of mental disturbances. The job includes cooking, cleaning, playing Uno, doing laundry, talking to the residents... stuff like that. And it's really not so bad t'all. Except for that thing about nearly every shift disturbing my sleep cycle in some way. First shift, I get up way too early, second shift, I get to bed way too late, and third shift is a proverbial bitch all around (timewise, that is; have actually met some wonderful third shifters). So my sleep cycle is whacked, which is intensifies the fact that I'm sick and getting sicker. I'm aware of the scleroderma; it was five or so years ago my first Rhumie told me it was probably on deck and almost two years since my actual diagnosis. It seems, though, that it's not just that. New crap has been sproiting up. For several random hours a day, I fluctuate between prickly numb and just plain numb. It's hard to explain. Like, if the cat climbs on my, I can obviously see it's the cat, and I can feel a bit of the pressure of his paws. I can feel his fur. But still, it's about 25% of the normal tactile imput as normal. I can tell much about his fur, like if it's thin or thick. If he licks me, I can kind of sense wet, and I can kind of sense tongue, but again, the deescription ends ther and is devoid of any real discriptors. So I just lay there, numb. and when I'm not on the ground, I'm limping somewhere, and walking takes a more conscious effort. I do have totally normal stretches, but I also just have these several-hour stretches where I'm just feelingless. I spared my boss this description, partly because my mouth was a bit cottony, and partially because telling a boss that I can't feel kitty cuddles like I used to sounds really lame in a professional conversation. But I did tell her I'm sick, I'm getting sicker, and my two-week notice is probably just around the pike. She seemed professionally sympathetic and overall okay with me resigning. I normally, at some level, like to insist that I'm essential to whatever my academic or professional pursuits are, but this one, from their end and mine, seems so easy to let go under the circumstances. It sucks a bit that there wasn't any more of a fight, a "please stay" of sorts, butin another way, it makes it easier to disengage and get on with other things. If only I knew what those other things were. I mean, I know school and marriage; those are pretty much the two priorities right now. Luckily, those are also going pretty damned well. Then there's my health, which is growing more and more uncertain by the day. It leaves me so drained, sick, and confused. I'm wondering what it will mean for family stuff and career stuff. I was the wonderkid back then; it was just always assumed that I'd be filled with the same vitality and energy for everything when I grew up. I mean, there are always options, but it seems like there are even more limitations. I can maybe have kids the DIY-way, I can always adopt, but regardless, I'm always going to be drained. As for jobs, I've got the knowledge and ability to learn some wonderful things, but whether I can hold down a great job while battling family and fragile health is another. But yet, if I don't work, there's more strain on Liam to take care of all thing financial, which is not right. I prepared for so many great things, I'm not content to live a low-impact life. And everybody (slight hyperbole) seems like one of Job's comforters now. Not that anybody blames me (and if they are, they are keeping it to themselves), but it's often the same pity or monotonous sayings about God using this to do wonderful things in mine and other people's lives or something. There are few real answers, and the real answers I get are not the kind I want to hear anyway. I hate how after all the bitching and moaning, I still don't have even less direction. I'm pretty confident that I need to quit my job and put health first, but so many other things need maintained. If I could read and drum and do yo-yo tricks, that would be my preference. I'm going to try to set up an eBay store and run a small currency dealership, which sounds like a good match for my interests, but it will probably be a little while before I am selling much more than starter kits, and it will take much faith to hold on before it's actually a good business venture. Still there's the nagging wisp of a thought that maybe this will be an absolute failure. Well, I'm off to nap before the graveyard shift. More later, maybe. Post a comment in response: |
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