|Current mood:|| crushed|
|Current music:||In the computer lab at school with JC|
Who are we really?
This just isn't cool. How am I the one that ignoring him? Huh? He sees me in the hall, looks at me and when I smiled at him, he looked away! WTF? So I don't know. It seems that he doesn't even want to be my friend. I'm just so lost.
And Doug...God, I love that kid. Do you know how hard it is to move on when he's standing right next to me? I don't want him to go away though. I want him to be there with me. I want to talk to him. I still get jealous when reading people's journal's about what they did with him when. I just want to be able to hang out with him and not have the weridness, but that seems like close to impossible. Today after school for example. Ya, I just wanted to hug him and stuff, be like we were. I can tell he did to, but we had to hold it back completely. We have to move on. I wish we didn't have to. I can't think of a way to get things to work between us though, romantically. Hell, if things could work and things would be fine, ok, spiffie, whatever, then I'd be up for it. Perhaps we just needed a break. You don't know if you really need someone until they are gone. To me, that's the true test of your love.
I just wish things could be normal. I wish I didn't have to place me or other people in boxes. I'm just so hurt and I don't know what to do with all the hurt inside. You may not be able to see it when you look at me, but honestly, I am hurting so bad. I want to scream. I can't sit still. I can't think. I can't do anything. I think Cade knows how I feel too. I *heart* Cade and I wish that Carley would at least be some kind of sympathetic to his feelings. I think I at least have some type of kindness for Doug still. He knows that if he needs something, I'm a phone call away and I will listen to him. With Carley and Cade, well Carley seems to be so wrapped up in her own little world that she can't see how much Cade is hurting, hell she's hurt me too and I'm almost sure that she doesn't even realize it or she choses not to do anything about it. I can't go up and talk to her. I don't know. This whole situation is dumb.
I thought I just lost this whole entry. Oh man, I would have been pissed.
I just want to be Doug's friend right now, but it's so freaking hard. I look at him and I want to kiss him. Especially when we leave eachother. I just want to not let go. It's so hard and I'm not sure that I can do it. I want to be able to, but I just can't. I am trying so hard though. I really am. I just don't like when he doesn't act like himself around me...or what I thought I knew as himself. Maybe he's changed in the past week as a result of having his heart broken.