| Current mood: | surprised |
| Current music: | Derek Bourgeois Trombone concerto |
troubled
hey, it's been awhile since i've updated. Quite awhile actually.
The past two months have been really hectic and stuff, and show no signs of slowing down anytime soon. Got a lot of things to get off my chest.
My life sux man. My family like so broken like that. You know ah, today, it was raining so damn heavily. Then i had to call my mum to pick me up at the mrt station. So, when i got in the car, she asked me about my marks. Then i told her i didn't get back my report book. I shan't bore u with the details of the whole conversation, even though it was short, but she ended up nagging me about my marks. I mean, come on lah, i know 19 isn't a good aggregate, but the least she can do is encourage, not criticize. Shit lah. Feel so damn bloody failure. Like, oh wow, nagging me and reminding me of how freaking lousy i am is gonna motivate me to study even harder. If that were the case, i'd be some sort of top-scorer now. Sometimes i just feel like giving up.
I find it harder and harder to communicate with my family. It's like, we're strangers living under the same roof. Sigh.... just feels so goddam sick sometimes. I talk to my sis's, they forever brushing me off. Either that or treat me like some freak or something. Then now using the com in my sis's room, have to keep abiding her stupid rules. Yeah, it's her room lah, but so many rules and crappy shit, until i sometimes dun feel like coming online liao. Like, have to log off the com by ten. Why? Cos she wants to sleep. Pig man. Then wanna use the com, she'll lock her room door when she's showering. I mean, like, ppl wanna go online and need to do work man. She locks the door and when she finishes her bath or something, it's 9 something. Oh wow, i can finish my work before ten. Yeah, right. sucks lah.
Maybe i'm just being very biased here or something, like just keep complaining or something. Yeah, i do have my faults, and sometimes it's my fault. But i can only take so much. I mean, i come home, i dun do much except come online or study.sigh...
Man, i study study study so goddam hard, and in the end, get such shit results. What's this man?!? Sometimes dun find the use in studying. arghhh...
U know, sometimes, i feel like being alone. Just to think by myself. Sometimes in the middle of the night, or rather morning, i'd sit in my chair and review the week. U know, like stuff i've done, like whether i regret anything. But i find no use in regretting. Not like u can change anything. Anyway, i would think of other things too, like look at my life and the direction it's heading now. Sometimes life feels so pointless.
I wonder whether i seem very cheerful or something.
I would like to say one thing. I know my chinese isn't good or anything, seeing the circumstances in which i have growned up and all, but i hate to constantly reminded of that. I mean, like whole day got ppl (won't say who, cos some of them are my good friends) tease me about it. Like, what, can't i read a chinese book or something, isit so wrong for me to read a chinese book? I know i'll never be a Chen chung or a Di Xuan or those chinese good ones, but i just can't take it sometimes. I mean, telling me my chinese isn't good is like telling a hairy man he's got lots of hair. I know that already, and i dun want to be reminded of it all the time. I'm already working on it. Bloody hell, so ____________ man... these people nothing better to do ah. sigh... ok, i know maybe they all say it unintentionally sometimes, but it does strike me inside. I just feel so alien.
Right about here, i'd like to say a 'Thank you' to Chen chung and wilson, who has always been helping all the time. Thanks man, i owe u guys.
Why is everything so marks-based? U know, i find it very contradictory. Like, i read this article about Singapore's education system being too marks-based and that the students have forgotten how to enjoy life. It was written by a teacher. Well, the article claims that students in singapore are always very stressed and pressured into doing well, as though marks are everything. They tell us not to worry too much about marks and all. But then again, we are always pressured into doing well, and with people like _________ (insert names) constantly comparing marks, it seems like that ultimate winner is the one who gets the highest for this test or that exam. Like, tell us not to be so marks-based and yet tell us to enjoy life, yet pressure us into getting good grades. Yes, a bit of pressure is essential and is of course, good, but not too much. We are after all, only human. Sometimes i feel so pressured to perfom that i could burst. sigh.... Well, i'm trying, no, not trying, doing all i can to balance everything in my life. Really, i'm trying, but sometimes the setbacks really set me back a lot.
I realized i have been lamenting on and on about grades. Arghhhh.... Change of subject.
You know, i have this shirt i bought from thailand. It's a wwe shirt, and it has Kane's picture on the back, and on the front is says 'Face your fear'... I think that makes sense. I think it makes a whole lot of sense. Maybe i shall do that.
Sometimes, i just wanna be alone...
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