|Current mood:|| crazy|
what the fuck is wrong with my head?!
i cant keep my brain still!! i read girl, interrupted. it wasnt what i thought it would be. but i had to keep putting it down so i could breathe. i identify with alot of shit she said. seeing things...i'm always seeing things--spiders, eyes. i need to snap back into reality, so i cut myself or dip my finger into hot wax. and BOOM i'm me again. and strangely calm, while simultaneously repulsed by my necessary actions.
i need more books. i only want to read about fucked up people. peers. those on the inside. they have something to teach me, tell me, something i can use. i just dont know what it is.
so, i keep saying i want to be ME, but then i go do asinine things like join a sorority. i know--so lame. im supposedly non-conformist. but look at me: doing what mommy wants. well, my mommy might be dying. so i want to serve my happiness to her up on a platter. i can be who she wants me to be until she is out of the woods or in the ground. that's crass. at this rate, i wont unearth my true being until im the one in the ground.