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"this love has taken its toll on me...."
((sighs))
I hate that I can't ever write an entry expressing whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment without worrying how it'll effect people when they read it. I just wrote out this long detailed entry expressing everything I've been feeling for the past few weeks pertaining to my progressively failing relationship, but in a moment of weakness, I deleted it, because I'm afraid of the reprecussions of my thoughts. I'm trapped, plain and simple. I've been too kindhearted in this relationship, allowing it to go on because I'm afraid to hurt someone who cares for me so deeply. Ultimately, it was the wrong choice to make because now, because I've drawn it out, and I'm starting to resent him, when he hasn't done anything but try his hardest to make this relationship work.
Last night, I spent a good portion of the night depressed. It wasn't even the kind of depression where you could use tears as a release, but the kind that just leaves you with an aching feeling inside. And, of all my friends, there was not one I felt comfortable turning to. Who could I turn to without feeling as though I'm burdening them with a problem that could be (in their eyes) easily remedied? If I'm not happy, just end it, right? If only it were that easy. People's emotions come into play, and so does guilt. I know that it won't be an easy breakup, but does he need to tell me over and over, that he doesn't know what he'll do without me?
I wish that someone who understands my situation were online right now. He thinks it's getting better, but I don't feel as though the situation's changed at all since I've been back. He's just not the type of person I want to be in a relationship with, and despite his constant reassurances that he'll change, I just don't believe it. You can't change yourself into something you're not, and no matter how many times I tell him that, he refuses to believe that. Besides, you shouldn't have to change yourself to try and keep someone to stay with you. They should be able to love you no matter what, and if I can't do that, it's not a reflection on your part. It just means something in me is lacking.
This relationship is drawing to an end, and it's up to him how the whole thing'll play out, but I have this little voice in the back of my head that tells that I'll most likely wind up hating him after our breakup. He's already told me if I were to ever do such a thing that he'd be after me almost immediately asking if I want to get back together. I won't be able to cope with him constantly hounding me about getting back together, and god forbid if I decide to date after the breakup. Then I'll probably be stalked.
((sighs)) Right now, I'm supposed to go see him. I don't know if I want to, but I know I'll hear about it later on if I don't. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Somebody shoot me, so that I don't have to deal with this.
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