|Current mood:|| lonely|
My head hurts so much. I love him so much. I can't be without him. But I can't ever have him. Ever. There have only been a handful of guys who have made me feel this way. Only three who have made me cry like this. I want him to be happy. He's not. I want to hug him and kiss him and all of that. I'm too scared to. What if it hurts him too much, what if he's thinking about her and he wants me to be her, so it hurts him in that way? I want him to understand. He's the only one I treat this way... I get so choked up. I am now. I want him. I want him. I want him so much, I want it to be like before. It's so gone, so far gone. And it's never coming back. He wants to kill himself now, and all I can do is make it worse for him? Does he know that I'd die for him anyday? That I feel like dying myself when he's around and sad? Does he know that everytime he's... Well, he's done nothing. Everytime I have felt ignored, yes, ignored. I want to cry and die? It's only him. Just for him. I just don't give a shit about anyone else. The entire world could ignore me and I wouldn't give a fuck... But just him, just him. Please.
I've always hated that weakness in me. I want to belong. I want to feel needed. But I really don't. Just by him. I think it's sick how people whine and beg. But I can't help it. Just this one time. I'll only whine and beg this one time. I love him so much. My face feels so hot. The bottom of my stomach has dropped out. Cheeks burn so much. Make them stop. It just feels so heavy. I'm sick all over. I can't get him out of my head...
Out of my system. I want to lay in bed and cry over him. I want to lay in bed and imagaine being with him again. I wake up, wondering if I'll see him.
I'm over that Ryan guy. So over. But I've tripped and fallen again... Except this time the stairs that I have fallen down are not carpeted with nice lies. They're cement and edged with the truth. I can't take it. I want to die. I don't want to make anyone sad when I kill myself. Maybe I'll make everyone hate me. Maybe I'll bring others down with me. No. Hurt too many others.
I want to be alone with just him... But he wont be happy. I CAN'T WRAP MY MIND AROUND THIS I CAN'T FUCKING GET OUT. I'm so stuck. Unmoving. For nearly two years I've had feelings for him...
And when he had feelings for me...
But somehow we couldn't admit this... My chin's shaking, stop.
Please, let me be with him again. Let this one story end happy... SHIT. It wont be happy for him. Just for me. I'm so fucking selfish. I hate you, I hate you, I fucking hate myself.
Breathe. I have to move on. Someone, anyone... Help, I'm drowning. I guess I don't want to die... if I see hope. But there's no light at the end of the tunnel.
My friends... All in CGS now. Everyone else leaves me behind. I'm so scared. Going back to regular school. Soon to be starting my new life... Away from high school. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. They don't like me anymore. They don't talk to me anymore. They will be nice and friendly, but I have to start... With CGS gone, everything's gone. I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year. I feel so alone. I just want that one person. I'm just SUCH A FUCKING LOSER.
My head hurts. The goddamn squeezing inside my brain. Stress is too much. Stress is too much. I gotta keep busy. Nothing entertains. Jim and Ten are fighting again. I don't want to watch it.
Oh, it hurts so much... Stomach upset. Head squeezing and throbbing. Legs and arms going numb. Can't even feel my fingers anymore. My eyes burn, my face is hot. I'm so hungry. I don't want to eat every again.
What's wrong with me? Why do I have to be this way?
What the fuck, I'm such a whining loser. I can't stop. I can't ask for help. Everyone else needs help. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES ME SO DAMN SPECIAL THAT SOMEONE SHOULD FUCKING HELP ME, A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT? Oh, they care. WELL THEY HAVE OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE TO CARE ABOUT. I'm not worth the time.