| Current mood: |  pensive |
I want to find out who I really am.
"If I had to describe you in one word it would be strong. Really, I would. You are so strong." Lydia said.
Who am I? The search to find who I really am. Could I be enjoying the journey? I could, but I really just wish it were over. Wish I could be solid. The person I always dreamed I'd be. Brave. Fun. Inspirational. Beautiful. I am none of those things. Never did I dream that I would amount to the person I am today. I dreamed I would be a princess and lived in a castle. Maybe that's why I've always wanted to get married in a castle. Soul searching. If you ask me, so far it's been crap. Isn't it supposed to be wonderful? Isn't every word I say, every thing I do, every idea I have supposed to be ironic, profound, thought provoking?
Yeah, right.
My wounds are deep. I'm practically a wardrobe. I may look big and grand on the outside, but my wood is old and cracked. And it's empty inside. A few piles of material fabricated to be wonderful but in reality was left behind. A few moths, and a funky smell. Now it's just a big useless thing everyone forgot about but whenever remembers me I'm just in the way to them.
My wounds are deep. I once wrote a song. A really crap song. It said "I'm a bucket...an empty bucket...come fill me with crap." It trully was a dire creation. But that's all I am. A dire song that no one will sing and most certainly not enjoy.
My wounds are deep. They pull me down. My job is suffocating. It's pushing me down. I need something to push me up from underneath. That pushing force, that's a mystery. A wonderful, powerful, awful, traumatising, massive thing. But it's a secret. Sshhh Shall I tell you? It's love.
Love? She asked. What's that?
You know exactly what it is. It's what has kept you alive for years, despite the best efforts of everything else. This world. This world loves to and continues to bleed me dry. How much fucking blood do I have?
I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do or which way to go. I suppose I'm lost again...still?
Have I confused you?
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