(nevertheless...) (thepunslinger) wrote, @ 2009-10-02 22:32:00

it's been a while since i've written in here, mostly because i've been trying to avoid whining.

but every once in a while i have a day that possesses great potential for the evening and so i don't do much during the day and then the plan for the evening falls through and i do nothing. and the evolution of feeling is angry and then sad and then nothing. i go inside myself from having been alone all day and then even when human contact returns i've gone too far in to come out that night. i've done nothing and there's no real time left to begin anything.

and i kick myself for giving so much time over to the expectation of what didn't happen, which is mostly an extension of giving so much of myself over to another person.

i don't want to get stupid again. i don't want to lose myself over someone who doesn't realize it or doesn't want it.

i don't want to be as stupid as i once was. but sometimes i think that being with someone makes me stupid, or i let myself become stupid. and i thought that i had grown up beyond that stage of my life.

sometimes i wish that i could go far enough in so i don't care whether i can get out or not.

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