(nevertheless...) (thepunslinger) wrote, @ 2009-01-08 23:45:00

every once in a while i get into certain moods in which every song that i hear manages to say absolutely everything about my life. or i listen to it and think about how it could be used as a soundtrack to my experience - a montage out of a romantic comedy, the bit where the hero/heroine thinks everything's gone to shit and is reflecting, just before something shifts and mr. darcy comes, the asshole. or the getting-over-it montage where the protagonist realizes their own self-sufficiency. or the music for opening credits, or closing credits. a little alcohol, a little weed, a little loneliness and night, that's all it takes. everything feels ... meaningful, i guess. so heartbreakingly apropos.

a few of them that played when i was last there:
owen mccarthy - stargazers are blind
the national - patterns of fairytales
glen hansard - once
zero 7 - end theme (seriously, this is good montage music)

lately i've been feeling like everything i've written has been so contrived, and i don't know how to get out of that. i have a stattracker thing on my blogger account that tells me how many hits i get, and i guess that's made me a little self-conscious. might have to go back to paper for a bit. learning how to write truly for no audience.

also in a bit of a weird mood because over the past 6 months or so i've gained a little weight. 5 pounds about, which puts me around 111, which is perfectly normal for my height and body type and probably healthier than the level i was at earlier, but no matter how petty it's a little disconcerting. part of me liked being a little underweight, i guess, even though i know it's stupid. so many girls i know worry about their weight and body shape when i honestly think that they look great, and i can see how self-destructive and unwarranted that worry can be. our culture seriously has issues with numbers. but it's a pattern i fall into nevertheless.

about one week left here. i don't know for sure when i'll be back here again, although every time i think/say that i feel like i'm in some way setting myself up for disappointment, or at the very least framing the situation as a matter of pride. i guess i'm just scared that if i move all my shit back here i'll never get the nerve or energy up to leave again. part of that's probably escapism. there are unresolved issues here that i can ignore more easily when i'm away, mostly with my dad. god forbid i actually properly address them, much less resolve them.

that's a part of myself that i don't understand very well and am very unwilling to articulate, even to myself. which means that it's even more important to my own state of mind that i face it eventually. but i don't know where even to begin. especially with myself.

buh.

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