| Current mood: |  naughty |
| Current music: | Eminem - Under the Influence |
Key Notes of the Last Couple Days
Recipe for Baked Road Trip Surprise
- Pick a vehicle. Preferably not your own just in case any ‘accidents' occur.
- Stuff it full of shit, taking up all and any available room.
- Add three buddies, pour into car.
- If you have overstuffed the car, take out a few ingredients such as the microwave that ‘buddy' doesn't realize WON'T work in the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
- Pour ‘buddies' back into car. Add plenty of cursin' an' swearin' for flavour.
- Bake under the hot sun for hours and allow to simmer.
Road Trip Rules to Live By
- It's fun to hit every pot hole and dip in the road just to listen to your buddy in the back curse because he keeps hittin' his head on the roof of the car.
- Never trust a friend that's been smokin' up all day to read a map.
- Gettin' lost is not the end of the world, no matter how many times it happens. (The record so far is 9 times.)
- Gas stations are like an oasis in the dessert. They have everything, directions, munchies, TUMS, and condoms in the men's bathroom. All very useful when on a road trip.
- However gas station coffee tastes like the ‘ass end of a dead dog,' as quoted by a member of the road trip party. How he knows what the ass end of a dead dog tastes like I don't even want to fuckin' know.
- Blarin' DMX at top volume is not recommended in small country towns. Such actions will receive the ‘evil eye' by farmers and small town folk. As will sayin' things like "Sup homie?" and "Is it true that small town folk marry their cousins?" Word to the wise: Don't do it.
- In need of a liquor store? Every country town has at least four liquor stores to choose from. Why? No one fuckin' knows. They also don't seem to give a rat's ass ‘bout ID either. Which makes buyin' my fake ID seem pretty stupid now.
- Small towns also have a million churches which brings up the question... what in hell are these people doin'?!
How to get Through Canadian Customs
- Before reachin' the border discuss with all party members in the car on who will do the talkin'. It's a good idea to pick the person who's the least baked.
- Once it is decided on who will speak on behalf of everyone else, make sure that the rest of the people in the car sit quietly and say nothin'.
- Have entire party chew gum and it's a good idea to have air fresheners on hand. The more powerful the smell the better.
- DO NOT call the border guard a Canuk, eh?
- DO NOT be smart with the border guard. They don't think you're cute when you are.
- DO NOT make any sudden moves that may cause you to be strip searched.
- DO answer all questions with as little information as possible. THE RIGHT WAY: "Do you have any fireworks with you?" Answer: "No." THE WRONG WAY: "Do you have any fireworks with you?" Answer: "Well now that you mention it we did pick up a garbage bag full at the last gas station we stopped at. We were plannin' on blowin' up some ant hills or some other shit with them."
- Canadians on average are friendly folk. Use that to your advantage by distractin' the border guard with questions about their ‘wonderful' country. They love to talk about their country... more so than they love to strip cars lookin' for shit. O Canada... we fuckin' love you.
- DO NOT ask such questions however like: "Where do you get weed in this country?" or "What's the legal blood alcohol to be drivin'?" Such questions seem to make Canadians a little wary.
- DO NOT laugh uncontrollably when told that the ‘beaver' is one of Canada's national animals.
How to Set up Camp
- DO have some sort of light when settin' up camp in the dark and not a buddy's Bic lighter either.
- DON'T loose hold of those flexible tent poles when settin' up the tent. They can be dangerous. However watchin' a friend just about get de-balled from one of those fuckin' poles is highly entertainin' an' educational.
- DON'T over pump a gas lantern unless you want to see what a fuckin' mushroom cloud looks like up close.
- DON'T use more gas than wood when startin' a fire. (see above)
- DO peg your tent down, no matter how lazy you are unless you want to sleep in the trees.
- DON'T trust a ‘friend' to hammer in tent pegs while you hold them.
- DO beat your ‘friend' within an inch of their lives when they nail your fuckin' thumb while you were holding tent peg.
- DON'T use water on a grease fire. (Yes there are different ‘types' of fires. Go figure)
- DON'T panic when fire spreads close to tent.
- DO panic when tent goes up in flames.
- DO use dirt or ‘friends' favourite hoodie to put out fire.
- DO learn from your mistakes.
And just a word to Smoky the Bear on his "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." Cram it, cram it right up your ass Smoky. Shouldn't it be, "Only YOU can start the fuckin' forest fire cause you're a fuckin' idiot that's never camped before and you actually have no fuckin' right to even leave the city you stupid moron."
Things I have Learned about Canada
- Canadian girls are hot.
- Canadian beer is good.
- Canadian money is confusin' as fuck. How many coins do you need? And why is all your money different colours? It's pretty but JESUS CHRIST!
- RCMP does NOT stand for "Really Crappily Managed Police." (They didn't think that was funny or cute.)
- When you do find out what RCMP stands for... don't laugh. Just don't.
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