no, really. i'm fine, just miserable.
i've definitely managed to put myself in a place that i can't get out of. i just want to constantly cry. it's not that purposeful crying, in fact most of the time, it's just goddamn pathetic that i can be so washed up.
i've gotten used to talking to sebastian every night before i go to bed. i make him to call to tell me goodnight because i love his voice. he tries to get me to sing for him because he's delusional like that. but anyway, i'm going on night number 2 of not talking to him, although he left me messages this morning. my point is that i got used to a ritual and i'm not good with change and this happens to be a perfect example of why. we've only been talking every day on the phone and online for like a week and a half. he told me he was falling for me the other day, and i didn't have the heart to tell him that it was stupid. he makes me laugh, all the time, but he's certainly not someone to have a serious discussion with. like his life is all light and me entering it would completely destroy his equation. i feel closer to him than i actually am, but that's what night does to you. it makes you more open and vulnerable and crazily able to jump 30 minutes just to visit someone. although, i haven't yet because i've just been crazily busy with all the stupid shit that my mom wants me to do, and cleaning up all my junk with my aunt and her roommate. all the pictures are hung in my room including the painting ellyn did based on my drawing. all that's left to go up are the 5 paintings that i did. i love my room 10x more now. i just want to stay in it and not talk to anyone except maybe someone who's lying next to me that i can lazily brush my finger down their face while looking them straight in the eye. not POKING them in the eye, just caresses.
i want to write so bad. i know if i just write, i could get it out and feel much better. because i'll never let my tears escape. i had something the other day, screaming to get out, but i left it behind at the stoplight on route 1. i couldn't remember it long enough to write it down. so anything that comes out now will pale in comparison to what could've been.
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