although i like to think i'm not perfect, maybe sometimes i act like i am. i try to think of it as me being overzealous and wanting the best for everyone, but i'm afraid it comes out like i'm pretentious, conceited, smarter than everyone else, and more experienced. i'm really not and i wish i could change this ridiculous behavior. i hope everyone doesn't think badly of me for subconciously being like this; it's almost as if i have no control over what i'm doing. if i feel as though i can help, i will, even if no one asks. sometimes i'll even butt in to save face, by adding my two cents to the conversation if i think it's even remotely related. sometimes i whisper gossip in corners, afraid to say the shit to their face (i.e. what i'm thinking). i'd like to think that most of the time i'm truthful, and have something to say. i'd also like to think that what i say is relevant, worth everyone's time, and is going to helpful eventually in some way, like unwanted advice that people will eventually realize they need and be all the better for it.
i asked kat yesterday if i came across like this and she said no, but i can think of lots of times where i really could've kept my mouth shut. i think i try to fix things to make up for the fact that i really have no way to empathize. i was born without all those human rational feelings that people are supposed to get. sometimes i feel cold and uncaring because that's the way it is. sometimes i feel empty inside because there really is nothing to fill me up with. i think that's why if i feel something i latch onto it like it's the next messiah; i really do intend for that passionate response to carry me through until another one comes along. they're few and far between, a rare jewel that most people can relish instantly. but sometimes even that line of thinking feels flukey because i know that i want to feel. i want to go somewhere inside my head and just have emotions like most daytime soaps. running through me in a river, like some out of body experience. as horrible as they make me feel, i don't think i could ever be tired of them.
but for an example, one of my friends is having a rough time of it. i wish i could lay down exactly what was wrong, but i honestly don't know and she has no plans to tell me. or maybe i just don't have plans to attempt to understand. i think it's the latter possibility because i wouldn't be helpful at all. i'd just pull out the self rightious side of me that automatically "knows what's going on and how to solve it." how does someone hurting respond to an overbearing personality like that? it does them no good, probably makes them feel worse, and certainly isn't helpful in any way, shape, or form to help them get where they're trying to go safely.
i always act like i'm judging people. for instance, calling Target an "intellectual wasteland". Kat says it's true, but that's not the point. There's no reason for me to say it, because I'm only thinking of my own misery. and that's what this is really about. i'm a very selfish person. it's something i can deal with because everyone should be selfish in their own right, but there is always a limit. therein lies the paradox. even if i started trying to act more in the interests' of others, it would still be for my own motivation (to be less selfish). so really the cycle perpetuates. there is no end.
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