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so i want to talk about how i’m feeling. it’s just how i’m feeling, but it’s important to me. and it’s my journal so i should be able to speak my mind in it. and if people read it and are starring in it, that’s their own fault. and if it’s thought that i’m speaking badly about them, well all the more power to them. if you don’t want to read about me and how you affect me, well stop. so i went over to charlie’s house monday night because he requested it. it’s amusing how just the day before i had been talking to sarah about how easy this would be to start talking to him again. i just couldn’t visit before july 24th, because that’s when he was leaving for georgia. all i had to do was resist temptation for a month and everything would be fine. i lasted what, a whole day? that’s really pathetic of me. first, i guess, it must be said that i know that i’m in love with this guy. it could be the same old cry for male attention i suppose, but it doesn’t seem that way. and not to mention that everything seems purely illogical when talking about him or how he affects me. it’s not a BRAIN thing, that’s for damn sure. if not, i’m sure those higher human centers could resist him telling me to come over because he was bored and wanted company, but would allow me to sleep. how stupid do i feel now for falling for that. it wasn’t even stupidity because i wanted to. i wanted him to hold me. i wanted to live in a some sort of dream bubble, well forever. heh, but a night would do. it took me about 30 seconds to make the decision. and before you know it , i was redressed and out the door, completely forgetting that my dad would probably kill me if he knew what was going on. so driving on the way over, i decided that i maybe wasn’t as tired as previously thought and would at least watch cartoons with him. i guess maybe just try to see what all the fuss was about. so it started out as a tickle fight which led to wrestling which led to me on the bed and him on top of me trying to convince me that i should kiss him. it didn’t help that every thought in my head was telling me that i should kiss him as well. yeah so you can imagine, given my rate of success so far in this story, how long it took me to kiss him back. and it went downhill from there. well at the time it was definitely uphill. it was going good, really good, fantastically good. despite all my misgivings. i didn’t really feel loved, but i felt at least liked. that should have ticked me off to the situation. i didn’t really feel cared for. it’s most likely my perception because i didn’t feel completely comfortable in the situation, but that was completely overwhelmed by my feelings. may i take a break to say how disgusted with myself for sounding all romantic and mushy and gross? i feel so vulnerable writing this all down because i know it’s going to somehow screw me over in the end. i’m baring my soul here lol and it hurts. the fact that i’m still managing to type that i’m laughing only confirms it. so we messed around for a while, and then i ended up falling asleep just like i promised and he woke me up at like 5 so i could go home before his stepmom woke up. i can’t believe that the whole thing happened, but we got away with it. i’m talking to charlie now, but i imed him. he hasn’t imed me to start the conversation once since we started talking again. everytime he answers back should be a little victory, but it really isn’t. how many cracks can you put in something before it breaks completely. mmm but he was saying how i didn’t say goodbye. and i don’t know, what would have been appropriate? how do you say goodbye to someone you don’t want to leave? alright, well it’s a couple of days later anyway, and so of course we have all the doubt swirling around in my brain because damnit, i wouldn’t be me if that didn’t happen. so now the big question has become- was i just being used for play? or was it supposed to mean something? i feel very alone here because no one can give me answer. and i’m sure he could, but is it trustworthy? this is no good. i have no idea what to do, and i’m soo lonely with no one to talk about it with. and i can’t talk about it with myself because we all know i don’t see straight. i think i’m going to go cry, not because it’s productive, but because i can’t figure out anything else to do. Post a comment in response: |
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