|Current mood:|| thoughtful|
|Current music:||Iron & Wine|
A Sense of Shame
This weekend my best friend caught me talking shit about her behind her back with my other best friend. I felt horrible, like I was betraying someone, and that I didn't want to do that again. I really do hate hurting my loved ones. However, I also felt like I needed to talk to someone about what was going on in our apartment, how I felt about certain things, and what I needed to do about them. My friend felt the same way. There are a few problems with this:
1) It's not ok to talk about anyone behind their back. I do think that sometimes it is a necessary evil, since taking someone else's council can generally save the day and clarify matters, at least in my case.
2) The way I was talking about my best friend was highly disrespectful. I would have been extremely hurt if she had been talking about me like that. I feel guilty, but even more ashamed that I could say I love someone and then speak like that. It makes me wonder how far my hypocrisy goes. I've been listening to myself lately, and I've found that I tend to speak disparagingly of others most of the time. I uplift my friends, and then I criticize them. I don't criticize them constructively. Instead, I judge them. I'm becoming my father, and I'm not sure I can change it. I want to try. I wish there was some way to be accountable and called out without ruining my relationships.
3) I still don't know what to do about my best friend, and I hate feeling like I should be sneaking around. We had a long talk about things, but I don't think she understood where we (her roommates and friends) were coming from. It was especially awkward because her boyfriend was there. He was nice about it, and I want to like him, but I can't quite trust him yet. My sister brought up the very good point that he seems sneaky. I feel like he hides what he really thinks. I'd hate to know what they've been doing and what he's been telling her. She's only been dating him for two months, which was an impulsive decision in the first place, and he's already spending the night over. She's never acted like this before. What's going on?
I'm also worried about my spirituality. As my confidence has grown, so has my "spiritual wisdom" in my own eyes--I'm understanding more of the Bible (I think), seeing things from a different perspective, and trying to live my life the way I should. Then I make a stupid decision, and it all falls apart. I'm trying to hold on. I just feel like I need more guidance, on a regular basis. I hate to be so dependent. How am I ever going to be a good witness if I can't even witness to myself how to live my life?
In happy news, Jazzy is "talking" with her crush. I think it's adorable, and I hope they are successful and move on to dating in the next few months. He's a very patient man. Other than stressing over FAFSA, money, my singlehood, and schoolwork, I'm doing great. My first mission trip is Friday! I'm learning alot this year, and I hope I discover a little bit more about who I am.
Have a blessed night,