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thelegendarycat (thelegendarycat) wrote,
@ 2004-05-03 18:02:00
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    oh what a weekend
    yesterday.
    birthday of caitlin ryan and katherine reis.
    day of hell.

    follow the monotonous routine of waking up, eating the standard sunday donut from weis: apple with vanilla frosting and cinnamon sugar on top. eat cereal. watch a half an hour of tv. skip work i should have gone to do. talk to sean. get of the phone hopeful, or so it seems, though quite possibly not. i dont have any control over my emotions anymore. i dont even know i how i feel. work on saint project. eat lunch. go to sleep. wake up when doorbell rings. talk with neighbor and new fosterchild amanda, who i like instantaneously. continue conversation for an hour. miss sean's two calls. call him back but its too late; he's at the play. work on saint project. pay little sister to aid my efforts. help little sister study for tests/quizzes. paint nails hot pink. eat dinner. help little sister study. call sean. hang out with sister. prank call sean. prank call sean. prank call sean. prank call sean. call sean - 11 more times. he should have been home. go to the computer and converse with rudy. receive a call from partying sean, who is currently raving at jake's. super. hang up somewhat angrily. keep iming rudy. lose two games of pool, and win two. go upstairs. call rudy. converse for an hour-ish. talk to sean. break up. talk to sean. get back together. hang up. hard thinking. sleep.

    sadly, this has been my routine for a while. a month and a half. break up. get back together. sometimes i wonder if the relationship is worth the heartache that it causes for sean and i. he hurts. i hurt. we both hurt. it might be that we have outgrown each other's company in the past months. im torn because i feel that i can't sit back and do nothing. i've tried improving. i've tried, i honestly have. at times i've also given up. sometimes ther's nothing more to do. i can honestly say, fully certain of myself and feelings, that i do truly love sean with all of my heart. i am certain he feels the same about me. i am positive. why then, do we fight constantly? there lies the confusion. not one to be easily perplexed, this certainly poses quite a dilemma. most times when we were together we were ok. sure we'd have occaisional fights during the weekdays, but i think that was stress caused by the fact that we were basically unable to see each other. now we have started to see each other more often, but one of us always ends up snapping and the other gets upset. it is seemingly and endless cycle of monotonous drama that does nothing to benefit either party. its awful. i cant stand being the cause of this insanity half the time. im tired of hurting sean and being hurt. but i do love him. i know that breaking up will hurt him a million times more than the fights will. but now the constant arguments are starting to disintegrate our relationship. more recently, we haven't even been happy when we were with each other, prom and saturday for example. i know sean is tired of the fighting too. we both are. its riduclous, and in a strong relationship this wouldn't happen. i dont know what to do anymore, and not knowing is killing me. i know that sooner or later, if this continues, i will break. sean is stronger than i am, but i have so many personal problems, that i will not tolerate my relationship adding stress to my life. i acknowledge that everyone has problems, but surely some are worse than others. lord i wish there was something i could do to relieve the pain that i feel inside. i know i've somewhat opened myself through this journal today, but i still feel trapped, as if i have no real emotional outlet. i an so tired and emotionally drained. aid me someone. give me the strength and courage to carry on.


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