| Current mood: |  distressed |
| Current music: | Linkin Park - Faint (this song is how i feel right now) |
life is a pile of shit
I havent posted in a long long time. I just havent had the time, ive been trying to make things work and be right, but it doesnt seem to work too well. All I feel right now is dead. Life is a pile of shit, but not just any pile of shit, a steaming rotting pile of shit that smells so bad you feel like youre going to die. Cause thats how i feel. Like im going to die.
I only wish I could change the way things are. The way I am. Then maybe things could work. But I cant, so they wont. Im just doomed, as I always have said, to be alone.
Jenni just called me back as I was writing this to inform me that I need some space so shes not talking to me until monday. LIKE THAT HELPS HOW MUCH SHIT I FEEL LIKE AT ALL. And after all this she still wonders why I dont like to tell people my feelings?!?!
I feel so special now, because until monday i get to cry myself to sleep, YAY! Since I was in tears as soon as she told me she wasnt talking to me until monday, and I still am, I know I will.
So, today at school was shit, she was mad at me because I supposedly didnt talk to her a lot (which i didnt because I was still mad at her for things she does that she knows I dont like) and then when I did talk to her, she said she was too busy doing work. But, then a little while later she sat there staring at me, and messing around. Yeah, really busy... NOT!
The worst part was, when we were on the phone, and she siad she would leave, I told her if she wanted to that bad, she could. I didnt mean that, but I said that because I was hurt so badly. I dont want her to leave, and if she does I am going to be lonely for the rest of my life, but deep down inside I guess if she wants to i'll let her.
So now im sitting here, alone, wondering if I should do the horrible things im thinking about. And im sure I will once my parents leave, and im alone, since pain is the only way to get rid of emotional pain for me. And since Jenni isnt talking till me until monday, I might have quite a few scars, but oh well, its only physical.
Emily is trying to help me, and its making me feel a lot better than I did. Im glad to have a friend like Emily around. After she got over the Erin thing, she has always been there for me, and im trying to always be there for her. I hope we can get to be better friends, because I really enjoy talking to, and being around her.
Off to go think again, and unfortunately do those things I have to do to stop the pain. Most likely be posting my shit again, since im going to be going through a lot of it in the next while, I can tell.
OOOH! just thought of something, I might have to go have something to drink, the alcohol normally makes me feel a bit better when im cutting myself! Woohoo!
Ok, now im really off, post back soon.
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