Schuldig's visit is still in my mind. It annoys me to no end to know that the man can trip around in my brain whenever he wants. And it annoys me even more that I don't know how to stop it. Just one more weakness I have I guess. That he was so easily able to pick up my thoughts and memories of that morning... He has information about me now that I have no defense against.
I'm not a liar. I may forget to mention things, but honestly, that happens more accidentally than intentionally. Sometimes, though, there are things that are just best left unsaid. And if Yohji, Aya or Omi find out...Ken thy name is mud.
The saddest thing of all, I know I shouldn't even be thinking about Brad at all! He is the E-N-E-M-Y. Yet, he is in my thoughts all the time. I find it hard to believe that he would want me. Want ME. This must be some kind of game for them.
And even if it is a game for them, it isn't for me. I've never had that reaction around someone before. I've seen good looking guys, and sure I've even lusted after some. But ... I don't know. None of them ever moved me to do the things I did when Brad was asleep.
When I thought he was asleep.
And I can't figure out what made me want to touch him like that. I was moving, like in a dream. But God...the way he looked...the noises he was making...it just turned me on so much...
I can't believe how close I was to having sex with him. He just...there was something about him. Feral, dangerous, and so incredibly desirable that if he hadn't told me that if I didn't leave then we would be past being able to stop, I wouldn't have been able to walk away.
All I know now is that my whole body aches every time I even think about him touching me. I want ... more...